Struggling with Congruence
My main wing keeps telling me that my biggest issue is that I'm incongruent a lot of the times and trying too hard. He told me I try way hard to come across as a boss or dominant. And that's its very obvious from a third person view. Another friend of mine said that I overcompensate when I'm feeling nervous or when I'm out of it by being way too loud or expressive.
I'm not sure what to think. Obviously dominance, loudness, and good verbal game are super important. But from what my wings are telling me a lot of the times I'm just trying too hard to spit good verbal game, and it just makes me come across as not real.
Another buddy told me I have great verbal game the start of the interaction, but a lot of the times I just keep talking and don't let the girl invest.
Funnily enough, the most solid number I've gotten recently was when I had just gotten run a pretty bad rejection, and then I approached another girl in a low key manner(despite feeling shitty) and I wasn't even feeling good at all. It was far more low key than usual and I wasn't being crazy charismatic or anything. That girl has been texting me back super solidly despite the fact that she's pretty far away and wants to meet up.
I'm thinking I'm just trying way too hard and I need to take a step back and stop trying to force things and let them naturally arise. Maybe I need to focus more on being present and in touch with my emotions? Or maybe my wings are just plain wrong?
I don't think I even understand the concept of congruence that well. Maybe its just a bullshit RSD concept that I should pay no mind to.
I'm super relaxed infield. Nothing try-hard in the slightest. Work on spreading fun vibes and then just escalating. Use dominance as subtle turns of the rudder to make course adjustments, but your main focus should be self-expression and making fun little connections with the girl while you escalate.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
I know the feeling. I used to be the poster boy for incongruence. I would go out and be Mr. Social because I thought that's how things were done. I would pretend to always be high energy, happy and upbeat. It was a performance. I didn't even feel like I was the person doing it. It was a character I invented. Like some sort of PUA alter ego.
Congruence = be real with how you feel. If you're bored, low energy, not feeling it, etc then be that. Even tell the people you're talking to. How are you? Fucking terrible. lol. That's being real. Don't pretend to be super alpha man unless that's how you're actually feeling at the time. Instead, use the boredom or whatever emotion as motivation to take action to create excitement. Get yourself into state but don't pretend like you already are. Allow it to build naturally. Practice the vocal drills every day so your verbal skills become your default.
The other thing is... don't fake it until you make it. Instead, be real with where you are at first and then lean over the edge to expand your comfort zone.
Yeah I feel you. I used to operate under the "I need to active do something to get laid" frame.
Now due to bad logistics I've lost interest in trying to fuck girls same night and it's going way better. I have 2 girls who are primed to fuck (one tried jerking me off in the club when met her and she suggested we get drinks a few days ago, the other hits me up randomly to see if I'm in the area when she's out) and about 8 who at my level of game I could close on 2-3 meetups.
I think having good game allows you to create the effect that time would naturally create in a seduction.
What does time do?
It makes her feel more comfortable with you which makes her opened up to being seduced by you and it makes her feel invested. It helps her justify she's not a slut for sleeping with you too quickly. As long as you are keeping the dynamics man to woman you avoid friend zone. Which can be achieved by verbally expressing what you like about her physically and personality wise as well as holding strong eye contact, cutting space and intermittent physical contact.
I'm also starting to see lack of response differently. Before I thought it was because of a lack of game and if they weren't super responsive I could lose them. And I often did lose them by miscallibrating and texting then shit that was polarizing but lost them. I'm finding girls who are unresponsive or low responsive on meeting up within a week of meeting are more apt to meet 3 weeks or more after. One girl for example showed interest in meeting up, she couldn't make the time I proposed. I asked her when she was free again and she didn't respond. I hit her up a little over 2 months later and she tells me she definitely wanted to come but was working till midnight that night. I had literally only talked to her like maybe 15 minutes and she was kinda drunk. Another girl who was really attractive I hit her up over a month after a date where we had made out (shitty logistics knew I wasn't likely to get laid, her sister moved in, their family is religious) and she was also wanting to meet up lol. It's weird but time + keeping it man to woman seems to do a lot of the heavy lifting more active game does.
It seems to me you have something similar going on that I've had. Have you considered that maybe the amount of active gaming you've thought you've needed was much higher than the actual amount of active gaming you've needed to close the deal, and that maybe this is why it's coming across as incongruent (possibly with the situation?) To others?
If so consider that if you turn down the active gaming and just trust in the non-active gaming effect time with a girl has you'll start staying in more sets longer and automatically start getting the girl more invested, comfortable and attracted to you.
Have you considered that maybe the amount of active gaming you've thought you've needed was much higher than the actual amount of active gaming you've needed to close the deal, and that maybe this is why it's coming across as incongruent (possibly with the situation?) To others? If so consider that if you turn down the active gaming and just trust in the non-active gaming effect time with a girl has you'll start staying in more sets longer and automatically start getting the girl more invested, comfortable and attracted to you.
I think you're right. I was definately over gaming. I've started focusing in from starting from a congruent place and then warming up from there I started doing that recently and my nights have gotten better. The beginning of the night I'll usually do way worse, but now near the end of the night I'm in a really good zone.