Just a quick epiphany

When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly it does so without resistance.  It goes through the "pain" and comes out a beautiful better version of its self.  It's soul is in charge.

We have the same right.  It's interesting though because we often view our external circumstances as our growing grounds.  We think that we have to prove ourselves, or overcome certain external challenges in order to grow.  

It's a long forgotten concept in society that this growth is entirely internal.  All growth ocurrs inside.  When we look towards externals to give us a better or more complete sense of self, we lose the one thing that matters, the NOW.   

If you have the courage or the (fuck it I'm going with this) to just sit back and witness your life without attachments to aversions (not to situations, people, places or things, but the THOUGHTS about them), then you are free.   

I was just meditating to some biannural beats and I was going pretty deep and I saw the pain - body inside of me, with all of its emotional reisistance surrounding itself like a brick fucking house.   

And this is where I went wrong for so so so many years in all areas of my life that MATTER to me.  Sports, Women, Friends, Spirituality, Music.   In various orders of course :

"I" TRIED to overcome them.  I TRIED to succeed, I TRIED to feel better, because the TRUTH is that deep, deep down, I did not TRUST myself.   I did not trust that everything is ok.  I did not trust that I would be fine and that having these buried feelings means nothing about the REAL me.  

So I ran and ran and ran, until it got to the point where running just caused to much mental and emotional pain.   I was so fucking lost in stories and emotions I had no sense of groundedness.   I had to go within.

And even now, that DEEP SEATED sense of self-aversion is in there.   It's a wound, a buried child crying out in pain that was so full of life but learned to shut the fuck and to fear life.   To not feel that it is ok to OPEN up and spread the ecstasy of love.

So I don't have a "mission."  I don't have anything for that matter.  There is nothing to do, nowhere to go but inside.   The external world has done what it can for me, its now up to me to do what I can for the world.  

And what is the one thing the world needs most, REAL AWAKE PEOPLE.   We all have our own timelines.  It's not my job to help others wake up, its my just to help me wake up.

I used to me so averse to the idea of "Self Love."  PFF SELF LOVE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT, THAT IS SO GAY.

Well there was no awareness that maybe somewhere in me a part of myself really really needs that love.  It needs to know that it won't be judged, that it wants to live again, that it wants to express what really happened.  That it wants to be held by a loving heart giving mother.  It wants someone CONCIOUS.  It wants someone who is there, with love.

And what is love, its fucking all encompassing.  True love literally has no opposite.  And unless to you have unconditional love towards yourself, you have "work" to do.  

So my epiphany.  To love myself unconditionally is to trust myslef unconditionally.   And this has nothing to do with the story of me, my fears, my accomplishments, my goals, my girls....etc.  It's a trust that ifI just let go, meaning I surrender by assuming the witnessing consciousness, I will find what I'm looking for which has been there the whole fucking time.  No need to strive, No need to forve, No need for anything.  Just within.