Attachment styles - how you create intimate bonds/how sex affects emotions
This was inspired by Meow’s recent thread on FWB relationships however it’s angled more towards fully intimate romantic relationships. Not monogamous necessarily but at the very least a girl who you have an incredibly strong bond with.
This not so much to use in seducing the girl, more about self-knowledge, Bowlby’s attachment theory.
The basis is how your primary caregiver conditioned you with attention from a very early age is how you relate to your romantic partners.
3 main types of attachment
Avoidant: builds up emotional walls and breaks down communication when insecure, hard to emotionally open up and values independence
Anxious: becomes incredibly needy and seeks closeness when insecure, has a harder time being independent but very easy time being emotionally intimate with partner
Secure: mostly secure and can transition between independence and intimacy with relative ease
Mind you with seasoning and experience you WOULD transition to a secure style of attachment, and what we try to achieve in terms of self-development on these forums is exactly that: being vulnerable and open, having no fear of creating emotional connection yet at the same time being strong willed enough to do what you know is right regardless of your feelings. It’s a beautiful reality to live in.
I recently had a relationship where I watched myself go from totally secure and in abundance to being heavily triggered into a pre-occupied anxious style. She was an avoidant and we both caused each other’s attachment model to flare up. This theory describes the emotions I went through with incredible accuracy. I already know what behaviours to look for in myself but it characterizes them very well so I wanted to share.
This site provides a very digestible and easy to grasp presentation on the theory. If you want to get more in depth with it I would advise looking at scholarly articles on google scholar. Also ignore the title of his book lol
Here is a test you can take to check yourself:
According to attachment theory and research, there are two fundamental ways in which people differ from one another in the way they think about relationships. First, some people are more anxious than others. People who are high in attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partners really love them and often fear rejection. People low on this dimension are much less worried about such matters. Second, some people are more avoidant than others. People who are high in attachment-related avoidance are less comfortable depending on others and opening up to others.
Most guys on this forum are aware enough to know the right action to take when they come face to face with these emotions. This is mostly to know where your possible blind spots are when it comes to creating bonds and attachment with romantic relationships
Little background: My relationship internally combusted once we went long distance but before that it was pretty rock-solid, an incredibly strong bond actually. The first month or so I was having the same kind of flare up when I reached out to MW, the training totally grounded me again. I became secure and actually helped guide her to a secure attachment style. An integral part of it was Manwhore's sexy time training. It literally changed how I interacted with her/women in general on a fundamental level. They are beings with amazing untapped sexual potential. Seeing and experiencing them as such changes how you approach these girlies. All my interactions have become alot more dominant but in an endearing and warm way. I am their boss-daddy lol
It's funny how I craved intimacy but until I really learned her body and her mind she held herself back from showing me the intimacy that she actually craved even more than I. She was only comfortable enough to fully open up to me once I was fully comfortable sexually dominating her, prizing myself, and gifting her with the kind of sexual expereinces I now realize she so deeply desired but had never been provided with before. She gave herself fully to me emotionally...and then once we went long distance it all fell apart because of what I now realize as my own attachment model being very heavily triggered by not being able to see and bond with her more often.
An old wing of mine recently took the test and found out he’s an avoidant, he has an incredibly easy time being icy and non-reactive to girls, but loses any sort of emotional draw to them once they give him intimacy.
Cool! Yeah Niv Mizzle is an intense fucker, literally. ;)
I actually created the sex mastery training based on needs/feedback from guys like Niv Mizzle and put together the whole training curriculum in about a week.. got AMAZING results with it.
Great content I may post this to the main site.
Awesome thread man. The avoidant-dismissive on the first link has me described perfectly. And yes I'm a helluva lot better than I used to be at mitigating those problems thanks to the stuff on this forum.
It's funny how I craved intimacy but until I really learned her body and her mind she held herself back from showing me the intimacy that she actually craved even more than I. She was only comfortable enough to fully open up to me once I was fully comfortable sexually dominating her, prizing myself, and gifting her with the kind of sexual expereinces I now realize she so deeply desired but had never been provided with before. She gave herself fully to me emotionally...
BUMP! Niv keeps on telling me to read this post but i'm only here to skim read n' troll!!!!
Go RS-Danny Dopamine!
...seriously tho, great post brotha!
thanks broski, did you do the test? I have a personal posit on which attachment style you are ;P
I've done more research into the topic since this post, and am more convinced than ever how important this theory is.
This is the best video I've found that succinctly explains the entire concept.
/> yo Aequitas! what do you think of the theory after we ran through it?
Understanding this is an essential step to being conscious/present in your relationships. Your attachment style is basically a group of unconscious behaviours, once you learn this and are better able to recognize where you are slipping you can recognize where you are being triggered much easier, and thus stay present.
yo Aequitas! what do you think of the theory after we ran through it?
Does the vid go into explaining how these emotional attachment styles come about and/or how to shift someone from either extreme into a secure one?
P.S. Did you guys have a call tonight?