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TheoGrey's picture
Joined: 03/30/2017

TL;DR My roommate thinks I'm a Dick for having an fwb and projecting the negativity from her last fwb onto me. What do I do?

What's up guys, coming at ya with something kind of unconventional today. 

My roommate is a bitch from time-to-time we mostly get a long but then we have these spurts where we "don't see eye-to-eye" and she gets pissed off.

For some context this is a 25yr old self-proclaimed feminist theater girl from Austin, Texas who moved to the city to follow her dreams of being a singer/actress. Those dreams aren't really working out and she's been in/out of depression about it. 

Some of the spurts where she gets set off can be anything from her thinking me and our other roommate weren't going to do anything for her birthday for her. 

Her: Hey guys. Since I am working till midnight tonight I'm having a celebratory birthday drink at 12 if y'all want to join 

roomie: I would love to if I didn't have to sing tomorrow!

Her: so I take it you're not coming to the bday celebration and we didn't do lunch. That's a bummer...

roomie: I'm sorry Kaylie. I have been really sick lately and  my voice is already pretty far gone right now. Like I said before, I am free all day tomorrow but if i don't get as good night's rest tonight, tomorrow is going to be really rough.

Her: .....Im not really going to pretend I'm not upset. I've been trying not to be selfish but I've always loved Birthdays. 


(^ little did the bitch know we were in the middle of baking her a cake and decorating the apartment)

or it could come from absolutely nowhere:

me: Just following up about my friends staying this weekend *grin emoji* I know you're way busy at home, just hoping I could let them know soon so they can get their bus tickets. Lemme know when you get the chance please

her: how many is a few? And stay out of my room. 

(^wtf why would I go into her room for any reason. I tried to put her mind at ease by being exaggeratingly playful)

me: Just a couple, my buddy Lucas and his roommate Rachel. lol we’re not inconsiderate barbarians, your room will be off-limits of course. 

Her: Did I fucking say you were inconsiderate barbarians? No need to be condescending Seth. 

Me: Woah I’m being playful seesh, no condescending here. Next time I’ll make sure to put the winky face. 

Besides these random occurances when she gets mad it's mostly because she thinks I'm a womanizer, thinks all women are the same, don't respect them, those feminist things. 

The latest trigger is that ive been fucking this one chick somewhat regularly and I know that the girl that I'm fucking is enamored with me. [That's what happens when you make 'em cum three times every time ;)]

So last night when we were playing games and drinking with our other roommate and a buddy the conversation goes similar to this

me: yeah I think she might be catching the feelings

her: well you'd better stop if you're not planning to get with her. 

Me: why would I do that? We like fucking and we're on the same page about it. 

Her: you're just fucking with her emotions you know she's going to get hurt

me: if she talks to me and asks about a relationship I'll say "look I like you and we've got a good thing going, but I won't be monogamous". From there it's her choice. If she wants to stay after I tell her that, great, if she doesn't, then also great. I'm not trying to hurt her and as long as I'm upfront and open I don't see the problem in her making her own choice. 

Her: but you KNOW she's gonna come back, you KNOW she's not gonna stop so you should break it off because you're gonna hurt here. 

The conversation goes back and forth like this a bit more but you get the picture.

I get tired of going back and forth so I head to bed and wake up to this text that she sent 30minutes after I went to bed:

her: My issue is: you have respect for a woman who won't sleep with you but don't for a woman who will. However, you claim to be a feminist. It's the 21st century. Women should be able to sleep with who they may and it not even be a second thought...just as men get to do. But you so blatantly respect a woman who has no respect for you because she isn't sleeping with you; versus a woman who opens up to you and sleeps with you because she's an independent individual and living her life as an equal. 

You and I don't see eye to eye on these issues and it frustrates me to no end. I obviously don't want to lose a roommate on this. But dude. Stop thinking with your dick for a second and look at all of the shit I went through these last few months and you're going to put a girl through the exact same shit?! That's ridiculous. That's not even being a shitty guy that's being a shitty friend if you've seen the exact situation happen to your friend. Just be a better person than that. 

You don't have to respond and you can move out if you want. Just give me a month's notice as specified in the sublease. 

We all know I'm in the right here and I know the problem is shes projecting the negative shit she feels from getting hurt by her last fwb on me. (She caught feelings and he was an asshole about the whole situation). She also has no idea about my relationships or how I treat women. Until last night she thought I had a shit ton of women over since I've moved in and I've only had two, one of which (my fwb) I've seen a few times. 

Basically I know what the problem is but not how to say it in a way that won't set her off, anytime anything is even hinted at her being at fault she gets defensive and gets furious. 

Im thinking:

me: Look, you're not losing a roommate over something so small like this, we both like living together and it's a great dynamic overall. I never get upset about us not seeing eye to eye on things because it's ok to disagree. What's it's not ok to do is project the negative emotions and expierences you've had onto my relationship that you know nothing about. I'm not trying to hurt or disrespect anyone, especially not in the same way you were hurt. Please do realize, I'm not Bob so stop treating me like it. 

(^bob was her fwb)

or maybe

Me: I'm not moving out, like you said last night I feel lucky to have our situation and it's a really great thing. It's ok to disagree but it's not ok to think that I'm going out with an intent to hurt women. I don't want to hurt anyone and you know that, it sucks that it feels like our white girl cry meant nothing.. roomie.. I'm not bob and I'm not going to hurt this girl like you were hurt. 

I don't know, that's just what I'm thinking. 

I realize this this isn't exactly the place to get help on this type of situation but she is a woman I'm trying to handle so maybe that's close enough lol

cheers guys!

catchingmeta4ssincebirth's picture
Joined: 08/08/2015
Just trying to help here:

She’s questioning your morals and character, don’t let her drag you through the mud like that man you have to defend yourself.


It should go along the lines of this:

“Look in no way do I need or want to prove myself to you but this needs to be addressed. I am not the bad guy in this situation. Women have the right to whatever it is that they want with whomever they want, I currently do not want to be in a relationship whatsoever, and I’m honest and upfront about this with whomever I get involved with. Even though I don’t define myself by a relationship with someone, I also don’t run from intimacy whatsoever, since it’s (Quote YOUR BOY, NIV MIZZLE THE SEX GOD) … the best way to connect with a person. That and relationships are a big deal to me and I take them very seriously. I take pride in the fact no woman that I’ve been ‘involved’ with has spoked down on me (and to anyone else) for leaving them high and dry. I do what a real man does: I treat them with respect and I don’t lead them on. I can’t believe that you’re trying to tear me down. I feel disrespected, upset and disappointed. The roomie’s and I worked decorated the apartment and we baked you a cake made with our love, and you do this?? SMH (shaking my head)”

Feel free to tweak whatever you feel suits the situation better. This can be said via text or in person (remember what I said with eye contact? well do that and display nothing but passion and raw emotion deliever that shit like you bang your Fuck buddies hard and constant)

I think if you were to point out the fact that she's displaying negativity because she was in a similar situation and got the shit end of the stick she'll most likely turn this into a back and forth fiasco. The kind of fiasco where roommate(s) have to pick sides. I believe that saying something like I said above ^^^ should help sidestep that issue. 

Some if not most women will project themselves (either positively or negatively and in this case negatively) and throw their emotional weight around and most men just buckle and fold like a cheap chair because its too much for them to deal with. If you don't stand up for yourself it just proves her right. This isn't an arguement you walked into your household and got smacked right in the face and you did nothing wrong. 

This is just my take on it. Hopefully some other playas can chip in on this too.

Meow's picture
Joined: 03/27/2013
Refrain from trying to

Refrain from trying to explain yourself, most likely she will NEVER see eye to eye with you. Keep on doing what you're doing and don't give her any details about what's going on with you and your girl(s). She does not deserve to hear details unless she is legitamtely interested and not a fuckin hater. Be minimalist about all of this with her and she will stop with the bs.

Joined: 01/18/2012
This girl thinks she's way

This girl thinks she's way more important than she is. She's facing the real world and not getting anywhere and trying to overcompensate for her feelings of insignificance by attempting to micromanage her roommates. You're caving in to her on issues she's got no business even horning in on. 

This girl's clearly underdeveloped emotionally and socially. She calls herself a feminist yet thinks a woman should only be having sex from the "safety" of a relationship? Yet she had an fwb? Who handled exactly what like an asshole? Her catching feelings? Ha! 

You're not seeing this right plus you're letting her draw the battle lines and the rules. C'mon dude this is silly. Are you attracted to this chick? Why does she act like she rules the house? Do you know how immature it is to try to force people to celebrate your birthday? Lol 


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Meow's picture
Joined: 03/27/2013
Yah the birthday thing is

Yah the birthday thing is over the top. Do you really like living with this chick lol?

TheoGrey's picture
Joined: 03/30/2017
Guys I was having a busy week

Guys I was having a busy week and hadn't checked in on top of having a bad day today. This legitimately cheered me up and made me feel waayyy better listening to all your support. 

Youre all completely correct. I need to follow all of your advice combined for this situation. We dropped it for now. It I know what to do if tensions ever rise in the future. 

i think what happened was I wanted to also be friends so I allowed her to get the upper hand. I'm also subliminally scared of getting kicked out because she controls the lease and could say "move out next month" and I wouldn't be able to move out/afford the place. 

but fuck it.. if it comes up again I'm being minimal/standing up for my shit in the way you all said. I'm sick of this bullshit. 

I dont enjoy  joy living with this chick one bit, but I definitely appreciate the price of rent. 

tryna get out asap. 

Im being a pussy and letting her rock my reality. Thanks guys, gotta stand firm. 

TheoGrey's picture
Joined: 03/30/2017
Well guys we had some more

Well guys we had some more aggression today and there's an imminent encounter coming up tonight/this weekend. 

I was in the living room chatting with my guy roommate and the girl roommate and this exchange happens

her: I just got my check so we should get that table and chairs we've been wanting

him: alright sure, send us some ones you like and we'll pick one and do it. 

me: yeah I'm up for that but rent came out of this paycheck so I do t really have the extra money. We'd have to wait or I'd have to pay y'all back later

her: well if you want to keep sitting on the one chair we don't have to get one. 

Me: I want one I just don't have the money right this second. 

her: well I don't want to stay in New York anyway so there's not really any reason for us to get one anyway, I'm probably gonna leave when the lease is up. 


we all chill and talk a bit more until..

her: we also need new shower curtains they're getting all mildewed and gross

him: yeah sure

her: so we need to do it unless you like showering in mildew

i rarely shower at home. I usually shower at the gym every morning and not on the weekends so I said, jokingly of course

me: yay for gym memberships

her: well we know whose not pitching in for the shower curtains


ne: thanks man, yeah I was definitely joking girl

yada, yada, more talking.. the guy roomie and I invite her to go with us to go grocery shopping but she says she wants to go buy a tiny vacuum so we part ways. 

5min later I get a text from her

her: You clearly have an issue with me and we need to address it

so ive got no idea where she got that from. Or what to do with this. I ignored her text for now. 

With the previous context we all know she's the one with the issues. What's the right way to handle this?

as of right now I'm planning on just ignoring it unless she brings it up. 

Meow's picture
Joined: 03/27/2013
lol you guys can't even

lol you guys can't even discuss buying furniture without fighting! Dude, get out of there ASAP.

Joined: 01/31/2012
Bruh lay the fucking hammer

Bruh lay the fucking hammer down. She is fucking with the vibes at your home, your sanctuary. The one place where you should be able to decompress without a worry. This is unacceptable. 

Joined: 05/26/2017
omg! lol

omg! lol