Craziest realization I had on Saturday night
It's been a while since I've seen some of my extended family. Basically, whenever I do tend to see them, it's always at the right time, or when I need them the most. Funny how things work.
This feeling, well, feelings that I've been having since... late September-October, are ones I've had to some extent before, while growing up. It's a strange overwhelming cloud of feelings that I get from time to time when things get hard for me to work through. Everyone faces hardships when they are on their path to greatness, some more than others, some of those hardships are fair, some of those hardships are even brought upon one's self... and this shit.. was brought upon by myself.
I'll share a little bit about my past, I don't speak of it too often, nor do I like thinking too much about it but it'll help put you into my shoes so you can really grasp the reality of this realization. Really feel what I felt, understand what I understood and make sense of what I'm about to spit. I've never necessarily had trouble with girls. Always easy shit there, same with sports. I actually struggled with school, not because it was hard, or I was incompetent, but you know, because it was repetitive, hardly useful from what I can recall and all around a waste of my time. Yet, I'm in college now...go figure. I always had trouble finding a sense of belonging when I was growing up. I had all these options, endless possibilities.. but the one thing I found myself struggling to do was to belong to something on my own. No external influences or pressures, just a genuine wanting to belong. Pleasing others, that's what I thought my purpose was... So there I was, a kid growing up through his teenage years aiming to please everyone around him, "save" people from their problems and just try to be normal at the same time. Fucking impossible. I tried to be this superhero like figure, where my problems were put on hold for others because I wanted them to be happy. Sounds great in a comic book, but in real life it's not. I forgot to cater to the most important person of all, myself. High school was good but not great, yeah I fucked around and had some fun, but I can't say I was ever happy or fulfilled. I was young, jumping from relationship to relationship at a relatively fast pace (sounds great as a kid and it was because I was having sex all the time), I had a strong core group of friends, I was on my path, at least I thought. Where it went wrong? I don't really know.. I got comfortable with life, I stopped pushing myself and I truly just stopped giving a shit about trying to pursue more of life, I also became super dependant on these relationships. I had chicks, good friends, was in kick-ass shape, money wasn't a concern and I could do whatever I wanted, maybe I thought that was it and I had everything aside from a career. Little did I know, high school isn't the end of the road. Injuries bombarded me, I lost the body, confidence plummeted, I lost the girls and it didn't take too much longer for me to lose grasp of reality after that. Maybe it was because I needed saving from my self-loathing and pity that I thought everyone else did too. Naturally, I abandoned my own problems and pursued the problems of others, hoping to help them and get them to possibly like me even more than they already did. There I was, in the prime years of my life, completely confused, off track, off center and just all around fucked up. I still managed to get girls, but in the worst way if you ask me about it now. I played this "savior", white knight, beta/alpha-male confused role. The amount of stress I was taking upon myself was ridiculous, there was no growing on my part, in fact, I was in some ways, dying. I became dependent, validation-seeking and always needing this sense of security from anyone or anything because I couldn't handle the thought of the future and not knowing that it could entail anything.That's enough about my past though....
Fast forward to now.
Here I am, dealing with similar struggles just at another point in time. Some of those issues are the same, some are not. Here is the difference. I am not who I was all those years ago and as much as I wish I learned and accepted these things back then, I'm beyond thankful that I at least know them now. I think at some point, every man has some sort of realization that snaps him out of this false reality trans that occurs while growing up. The false reality trans I'm referring to is that constantly protected, watched, cared for and planned upbringing that most people have. The "Every little thing is going to be totally fine.", bullshit. The stuff they tell you when you're too young to face the world, people, challenges and choices on your own. Well, I just stepped into the real world a few days ago and I think I'm going to be doing things a little differently from now on and by "a little differently", I mean everything is about to fucking change.
These men that I know, my extended family members, are men of such high value. I often find myself comparing their accomplishments, views, values to my own. Growing up, I wanted to be these guys. Then it hit me... We are all cut from the same cloth. This is my family, I am this. I just haven't taken the time out to realize any of this, work on any of it or even pursue it. I spent the last 10 years of my life trying to make everyone happy but myself. I would do anything to get some sort of validation from someone, anything to help them even if it meant abandoning my own problems and goals. I was the only one standing in the way of me understanding who I am, where I'm from, what I'm capable of and what I need to do to get there.
For once and for the rest of my life, I will be putting myself first. I will make sure I'm happy and doing what I want to do. My values will be held to a standard where I cannot go off track, for that would be fucking catastrophic to my end goals. I will workout until the brink of physical shut down to look, feel and perform the way I want, not for anyone else but for myself. I will take the preparations, courses and actions needed to pursue the career, goals and dreams I wish to achieve. I will not take upon the problems of others when I know damn well that I have my own shit to focus on. I will not compare myself to others from a place of envy, instead I will compare myself from a place of self-improvement and motivation. I will not sacrifice my beliefs or values for others so that I can relate to them better or perhaps to avoid offending them. No, fuck that. I believe in and value what I please and if it offends you, suck my dick. I will no longer play the savior for anyone, because in reality, no one fucking saved me. Be your own hero, as I was mine. I will not chase women or put up with behaviors I do not condone, there will be no double standards or "settling" in this fucking story because women are everywhere, there is no "one" and you will be replaced if we are not compatible. I will not thrust my ideologies on to people from a place of scarcity, regardless of who they are. I will treat everyone with respect as long as it is returned. I will have an open-mind and open-heart, but do not mistake this for weakness, but more so courage. I will allow those who are good for me, around me. I will not fuck with those who are bad for me. I will love me, improve me, do me and be me, for me.
This is basicaly the most intense, mind-shifting realization I've ever had and I have to say I've never really been able to look at life the same way ever since this..