Creating emotional leverage in relationships
So I've been in a amazing relationship for 3 months.
Anyways, this girl is young haha. I'm 5 years older and she's looking at universities for next year. One of the schools she really likes happens to be right where I live, toronto.
Well anyways, she's keeping her options open and looking at different schools and programs and I support that. I just made it clear to her, if we're going to be together I need to know that you're set on being in toronto next year (she really likes the program so it's not like she's doing something that doesn't suit her)..
She can definitely look at other programs and schools, after all, we could always break up down the road, so it's good to keep all her options open. And if she wants to go away next year, that's fine.
I just told her, let me know, because I won't be able to keep doing what we're doing. I won't be able to keep pouring myself into you. And we'll need to redefine this relationship or stop being together.
Anyways, we tlaked for like two hours last night, it was fucked. And we never once made any progress. So here's the texting that ensued today. As you'll see, I kept my foot down, held my ground and never once buckled.
She realized that I was ready to walk a way. Not because I'm a hateful person. I'm just not going to fully give myself to someone, who is going to be leaving next year. I'll still be friends, it's just different.
me: I just want to feel like your heart is set on being with me next year
me: I udnerstand if you're looking at other schools or other programs
me: But I can only be with u
me: And give u myself
me: If i'm ur number one choice
me: Maybe that's not fair, but that's all I can do
her: So I should put us before my university choice
me: No
me: I can't talk about this
her: It's the elephant in the room
her: Idk what else tto do but talk about it
her: I can' fix this unless I chose our relationship over my universit ychoice if I'm totally misunderstanding this let me know
her: Ok sorry if u don't wanna talk I'll stop
me: Yah I just feel like the more we talk about it the more we're pushing away from eachother
me: I don't want you to have to choose between relationship and school. I guess I wanted to feel like you didn't have to choose. That if things continue you'll want to be with me next year
me: But I think you have a lot of thinking to do
her: Thinking about what? Obviously I'll want to be with you next year. What do you mean by thinking to do? About what
her: Ugh I don't want to fight with you anymore (cat crying emoji)
me: I mean it is clear to me that you don't know what you want to do next year. And you're stressed out about it. And it seems like you need to openly explore things because you're not sure yet
her: Yes, I guess that's true, but even still doing that I feel like I'll be disappointing you and we won't be okay :(
me: That's right
her: oh
me: Yeah
me: We're fucked (dissappointed face with gun pointing himself emoji)
her: Back down the rabbit hole I go (cryign emoji's - rabbit hole referring to moving back to a more casual relationship, ie square one)
her: I can't win
her: Gregory (crying emoji)
me: Yes Jocelyn
me: I'm devastated too
her: Stop noooo
her: I literally don't know what to say right now, its' tearing me apart, you are scaring me
her: what are you trying to say
This is where most people would pull back on the tension. And start to mend things and the damage. But I stuck to my guns
me: That we're not going to workout
me: You're young and I need to give you room to figure out what you want to do next year. And I can't do that in a relatitonship with you, it's too hard
her: Can I object to this please
her: There's no way I want to breakup with you. If me telling you right now that if we are strong and together when I have to choose schools, (and I really do mean this) will get you to reconsider this than please
her: That I will choose (toronto) and 100% want to be with you
her: fuck I do not need to be cryign before work
her: Literally can I call you
Okay, by being willing to walk away, I created a ton of leverage. Now I truly love this girl and want to be with her. I just can't get fully close to her if she's running away to a different school. Otherwise I'm happy to keep doing me.
So yeah, I"m not at all trying to control her. So hopefully this doesn't look manipulative. And I probably supplied her with tons of emotions
MW don't call me a massive faggot ;)
I've been enjoying being close with a girl lol and it's definitely something I need to experience deeply
Anyways just got off the phone and she pretty much said it
"When i felt i had lost you and we weren't togther anymore it nearly killed me and I was pouring my eyes out. It made me realize how much i love being with you and how I can't be without you. And so i could never imagine leaving you."
I think it's importnat to be able to walk away if you have to in order to stay true to yourself and support your standards. Only when a girl truly feels like she can lose you, will she truly be able to love you.
It's funny because last night she was weighing and considering all these opttions for next year. Then when I completley pulled myself away and told her we're not going to workout, she realized holy fuck, i could never leave this guy at all, of ocurse I want to be with him.
Don't get her pregnant
I like your story, so are you breaking up with her?
So yeah, I"m not at all trying to control her. So hopefully this doesn't look manipulative. And I probably supplied her with tons of emotions
to me it sounds like thats exactly what you're doing. It might be just me but it seems a bit like abuse of the gaming knowledge.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
You put out what you want. Its just a school choice not life or death. So using emotional leverage on her pushing her into your choice is just natural for someone to express. I think if she moved away it would result in break up. So doing this crystalized the consequences of her decision, here and now. Instead of pretending it could work down the line. It was controlling but wasn't amoral. Efficient way to make the stakes of the decision clear for her.
You put out what you want. Its just a school choice not life or death. So using emotional leverage on her pushing her into your choice is just natural for someone to express. I think if she moved away it would result in break up. So doing this crystalized the consequences of her decision, here and now. Instead of pretending it could work down the line. It was controlling but wasn't amoral. Efficient way to make the stakes of the decision clear for her.
Very well said. And I kinda knew she was going to fold and come to me. But I was definitely prepared to walk away if needed.
And yeah, I'm going all gay twilgiht on the MW forums. Perhaps
Oh.. young love! So gay
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
DRAMA!
You will be harassing japanese women in no time
Dude.. Patrick.bateman in Japan.. that wouldn't be harassment that would be a geisha lovetrain.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Lol what's with the self righteousness on these forums?
Not liking i'm being manipulative here. I'm just not going to pursue a relationship that is ending. If she wants to stay with me great, if not, that's cool too.
Since when is drama game or harassing Japanese women is a bad thing, my mistake
This is not manipulative at all - you're playing for keeps here. You addressed what was bothering you and it fell on her to make a choice. Thanks for sharing I thought this was cool.
That was pretty fucking brilliant IMO PB, I don't think it was manipulative. The way I honestly saw it was, you were telling her what you were okay with, not okay with and what you wanted. You also gave her the option to explore and do whatever but you held true to what you value. Interesting way to use leverage. Also, I would have done the same in your shoes.
Yeah except he's fucking married to her now. Derp!
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Ok seems we lost a lot of good content and replies over the last couple days as I tried working with a developer to delete a bunch of forum spam.. anyway here was my response to Shikorah and Bateman:
Thank gawd someone as strong and forthright as Shikorah has spoken up. I can finally feel safe chiming in and saying my piece. I can agree with her viewpoint. 10 years ago I would have fought vehemently against such unthinking "overlord" control from someone like a boyfriend or parent. I was a high school counselor during some of my college days, I would rave about going to a four year right out of college instead of doing the community college thing. I was fed the dream and I believed it. "Go to the best college you can! Follow your dreams! You'll get a great job out of college and pay it all back! Money? What's money? You've never had to deal with money!"
It's a "big business education" lie. In the end it doesn't really matter what sort of university or college you go to. There are plenty of professionals such as doctors that did a j.c./community college and took a more circular route. In fact who knows, maybe that's a better path??
Bateman being a successful entrepreneur knows this instinctively. What matters more is her relationship. But what's most important is that she keep fostering her own growth and expanding her horizons. Frankly I don't think Bateman cuts it I think she's gonna have to start looking elsewhere, asap!
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
that bit about lost content would probably deserve its own thread
Ok seems we lost a lot of good content and replies over the last couple days as I tried working with a developer to delete a bunch of forum spam.. anyway here was my response to Shikorah and Bateman:Thank gawd someone as strong and forthright as Shikorah has spoken up. I can finally feel safe chiming in and saying my piece. I can agree with her viewpoint. 10 years ago I would have fought vehemently against such unthinking "overlord" control from someone like a boyfriend or parent. I was a high school counselor during some of my college days, I would rave about going to a four year right out of college instead of doing the community college thing. I was fed the dream and I believed it. "Go to the best college you can! Follow your dreams! You'll get a great job out of college and pay it all back! Money? What's money? You've never had to deal with money!"
It's a "big business education" lie. In the end it doesn't really matter what sort of university or college you go to. There are plenty of professionals such as doctors that did a j.c./community college and took a more circular route. In fact who knows, maybe that's a better path??
Bateman being a successful entrepreneur knows this instinctively. What matters more is her relationship. But what's most important is that she keep fostering her own growth and expanding her horizons. Frankly I don't think Bateman cuts it I think she's gonna have to start looking elsewhere, asap!
Okay I get what you're saying here I think. And in Canada it's even more universal, in that, all the universities are considered essentially equals. But as you said, your formal education is not a huge player in financial success. Hell, I lasted one year and am making more money than most university grads 10 years my senior.
And I think I see what you're saying at the end. Sure for a year or two I will be a great experience for her to grow and develop as a person. But eventually I'll be limiting her development. Holding her away from opportunities. And obviously this is apparent, becuase I am not able to ultimately support what she really wants.
I'll care for her deeply, but only when I'm getting what I want. And I'll become indifferent and aloof when she doens't support that. So yes, the time will come when I'm taking more from her than I"m giving her. And that she needs new fresh lively experiences and she needs to break away.
Am i getting the right idea?
That said, frankly I feel that I will reach that point before her.
That I will need my own space and complete liberation before she gets to those terms.
It's just funny how you get so enraptured with that one girl you really get along with and can't wait to see again. You tell yourself the story that this is the one. I didn't really see myself doing this, but I have.
Formal education is indeed not that big of a deal - but does she know this? If she thinks that it is a big deal and later regrets choosing "you over college" and this gets turned into a limiting belief, that's one thing. If, however, she's onboard with the fact that it doesn't really matter where you go (other than for very specialised courses) then I guess there's no problem
This actually isn't even a relationship vs. education decision.
The school in toronto has a better program for what she's interested in, and more co op / career opportunities.
The disadvatntage is that it's not as much of a college experience. You don't get as much of the close knit rez like culture. And not the same degree of partying.
So she'd be trading the full blown college experience for me.
I pretty much told her a while back. Being at school in toronto will not be as fun for the first year and maybe second year. But the third and fourth year will be way better (people get sick of small town schools by the 2nd or 3rd year) and sh'es going to have better work opportunitties and networking being in Toronto vs a smaller town like London ontario or Kingston
Dude. That's the whole point you selfish cock. You already know you're going to get bored and take off, yet you want this girl to base her college choice off you? Bullshit
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Dude. That's the whole point you selfish cock. You already know you're going to get bored and take off, yet you want this girl to base her college choice off you? Bullshit
Alright, well I'll tell her that I support her wherever she wants to go then.
But yeah I don't know. There is a possibility that I'll be with her for a while. At-least that's what I see. I haven't found someone that I like being with this much. It's like we're greater than the sum of both parts. Pare of me doesn't want to leave that.
But yeah I don't know. There is a possibility that I'll be with her for a while. At-least that's what I see. I haven't found someone that I like being with this much. It's like we're greater than the sum of both parts. Pare of me doesn't want to leave that.
Ahh sweet synergy
Formal education is indeed not that big of a deal - but does she know this? If she thinks that it is a big deal and later regrets choosing "you over college" and this gets turned into a limiting belief, that's one thing. If, however, she's onboard with the fact that it doesn't really matter where you go (other than for very specialised courses) then I guess there's no problem
Real great point dude.
im certainly happy that here's this moral discussion going on. i feel that in some circles game is completely striped of this part, and that is just wrong. i feel that the game is like marshall arts - needs to be used wisely or it can do a lot of harm.