Dealing with a girl's emotional problems
Hey guys, hope you can advise me on this one. I think this is really important for relationships in general (not just boy-girl) but obviously especially relevant in dating girls.
Backstory: Been seeing this girl for about a month. Due to work/ travelling, we've met each other about 6 times. She's cute and very feminine (don't know how else to describe her lol) like in the way she reacts to my physical escalation - cautious and tentative everytime I kiss her (even though we fucked like crazy a handful of times); her invitatations are very subtle and subdued... in just the way that makes my blood boil. I can't really describe it. Makes me wanna ravage and protect her body at the same time.
"What is the meaning of ascetic ideals? ..... in women, at best an additional seductive fascination, a little morbidezza on a fine piece of flesh, the angelhood of a fat, pretty animal." (Nietzsche)
With her leaving for a cosplay convention and me going away to the beach we hadn't seen each other for around 2 weeks. Conversations slowed and she seemed a little off all during this time over text.
She sends me: "I am offically missing I've not been doing too good lately I'm sorry"
Me: "Oh, sorry to hear that. You did seem a little different lately. Hope it's nothing too serious" "Congrats on your visa too, let me know if you wanna talk sometime :) "
After that she asks to meet for coffee.... she can't make it.... ..until today, we met before she went off to work.
Cuddling on the couch, she's very quiet, and emotionally down. Doesn't seem to be excited about anything. Tells me she's not happy. Reluctant to project future meet ups. She tells me this happens to her sometimes and a change of scenary helps... that she has to get over it and doesn't want to project unhappiness/ negativity unto me. We made out a bit. I didn't push it any further and walked her to her car. Told her I am willing if she wants someone to talk to.
What's messing me up is that I couldn't really figure out what was going on. Usually I am quite quick to pick up on what they are going through and can be a really good listener/talker. She didn't want to talk about it too much and I couldn't coax it out of her. My mind was fleeting between several thoughts after she left.
1. Is she just subtly telling me that we're done/ she met someone else?
2. Is she trying to see if I can be that guy that makes her anxiety go away?
3. Does she just need someone to be THERE and listen, sympathise without trying too hard to 'solve' her problem?
4. Is it a giant shit-test? lol
So .... should I have
1. Completely sucked her into my 'fun, awesome' world and thereby make her forget her anxious situation? LEAD and create the vibe.
2. Shape her 'negative' energy as a high-value guy that can't tolerate random mood swings all the time? (this didn't seem right, because it didnt look like she was playing games.)
3. Been there for her as a friend. Listen and sympathise without thinking about my goals or what I want from her.
I think I did a mixture of these while she was here.... Wasn't really thinking about these issues explicitly at the time... just tried to respond to her as I judged best at the time. Should I have done all of these? Is there an order to this...
It's funny I used to think I was very apt at listening, talking and calibrating in these types of situations.... even prided myself at times on it. But I guess... well evidently.... I am very far away and need to be much more attuned to girls as well as others in general.
Apologies it became long. If you read through it all, would really appreciate some advice.
Yeah if I had to hazard a guess I'd say she's disappointed in the lack of further intimacy from you. She's put all her gifts on the table and you're still quite casual with her it seems. But yeah if you're not down to give her/show her more then this is just the way things will work out with certain girls.
Or maybe she just wants you to slap her during sex. Lol
Yeah I think it could have been that: she was asking me questions like...
'why do you want to hang out with me?' or 'I dont understand why you wanna hang out [when you have other girls]' or 'I'm sure you have plenty of other girls to keep you occupied...'
Thing is... I'm leaving in two weeks so as much as I would like to keep things going... I can't realistically offer her stable, intimacy if that is what she needs. Maybe she knew that and decided to slow things down.
Just that the change in her attitude was kinda drastic... kinda put me off... threw me off my normal game.
Lol I should slap more for sure... In fact I do slap a lot. I doubt it was my dickgame with this particular girl... probably did my best with her ... she was crying and shaking and passing out. (didn't think I could do it haha)
Well dude you've got a motherfucking ESCAPE CLAUSE. Your ass needs to get as intimate as possible for the two weeks before you leave, DUH! Lol
Fuck that makes so much sense. Thanks man. Gonna do this right up.