I realized what one of my sticking points is

So this is interesting for me- it's actually an epiphane I just had, so I'll prob be fleshing it out for a couple weeks/months but figuring out how to reconcile it will help me in almost every area of my life.

There are a couple different levels to it and I'm at that point right now with an epiphany, where I can wrap my head around some of it but every time I try and connect the entire thing it snaps away- which is why I like writing because I don't have to hold the entire thing in my head at one time. I can write it down piece by piece and then put them all together at the end.

So, I think that the crux of this whole thing lies in a weird ego mechanism I have that actually desires failure- or at the very least "excitement"- for me, it means that, even if success is guaranteed, my ego would rather have the "excitement" of failure and all that comes with that- the process of rebuilding, the adrenaline that comes from the simple fact of "not knowing"... it's less exciting.

And yet- there is still boredom associated with this- the repetitive nature of everything that results from this.

Anyway- This all plays into my day to day life, with pickup, work etc. because in all aspects of my life I lack structure and part of this is because of the boredom that comes from "knowing"- on a very superficial level, even if I create a schedule for tomorrow, it takes away the excitement that comes from not knowing what my day will be like.

With pickup- it's part of the reason that i have resisted any strict "structure" to my game- There is a part of me that wants to be able to fuck any girl I am attracted to- but the question I asked myself that really started to reveal a lot of this to me was when I asked myself, "If I could TRULY fuck ANY girl I wanted... would I enjoy it?"

And the answer wasn't obvious to me... I'm not sure. Obviously, there is the physiological component of myself that would really like it but how would I act if I TRULY could fuck ANY girl I wanted- like more consistently than is even humanely possible- say I had some magic powers that allowed me to literally fuck ANY girl... would I want that? Would I still enjoy it?

The answer to that, for me, is... I'm not sure- maybe I'm just scared of that level of success.

But the point of this is that "IM NOT SURE"... So, like most shit, it's sort of a paradox because the very thing that I think I'm maintaining (uncertainty and excitement) is the same thing that I am actually avoiding (the excitement and uncertainty that comes from unprecedented personal success)

So, the main solution I have is to add as much structure to m life as I can- to make myself as uncomfortable and bored as possible. Let's see where it goes.

Anyway- this is just a rough sketch of the problem and I'll continue to get at it more and write about it more...

But basically- it's a success barrier that i'm putting on myself and I'm not okay with that.

Period.