Liz the Honduran
This is one of those txt convos where I am going to get shitted on and thrashed, but I need to not be embarrassed and just post this. I've gotten this girl over to my place, in my bed twice. Didn't fuck her but had the option the 2nd time, it was more of whether or not I wanted to lose my virginity at the time. I pussed out. Anyways, I've been texting this girl trying to get her over again. Logistics and timing were an issue. After I got through my hell of a finals, she had finals and then that to leave for home, for the summer.
Me: Finish my bullshit tmrw. Cant wait. Free this wk?
Me: Promise ill leave the clamp at home J
Her: I probably won’t be. I have finals the next 2 weeks
Me: Doing well in school is so overrated, lol
Next Day
Me: Pheww, just finished my exam now I can breathe
Me: Fuck it, im just gonna carry you out of your studio. Ill be there in an hr.
Her: I wish I was done with finals. And that is not an option haha. I’m still gonna be I class.
Me: Well, look lk im about to embarrass you, BIG TIME.
Me: Now, should I carry you over the shoulder or baby style? Hmmm…
Her: Haha not happening(thumbs down sign). I have way too much work to do.
Me: So clearly over the shoulder. Please hold your screaming until later muffinbutt ;)
Her: You’re gonna get a fist to the throat lol
Me: Beb, where do you come up with these emojis?
Me: And that’s gonna be hard after I pin u against the wall
No response
MW and I talked about this part above. I made the mistake of escalating when the logisitics clearly weren't there. I was basically banging my head against a glass ceiling instead of going around it. It's good to escalate and create that fast-paced txt convo, but realize when you have to change directions and fork. Any thought?
Few Days Later
Me: Yo, hows finals? Hangin in there?
Her: Well I’m sick now so that’s setting me back a lot. But they’re ok. Still have a lot to do.
Me: Ahh, well drink a lot chicken broth and …watching breaking bad
2 Days Later
Me: Yo AIDS monkey, hows finals?
Her: They suck. I have my last one tmrw luckily. And I do not have aids. I have herpers thank you very much.
Me: You need a herpes emoji, lol
Me: I expect you to get pretty drunk tmrw
Her: I don’t drink alcohol sir haha. But I am going out for my friends bday so I will be getting chocolate wasted.
Me: At least you’ll be high off life.
Me: When r u free in the next couple of days? I have a herpes antidote I want to try
Her: I’m prob not gonna be free :/ I have exams, dinner, packing, then I’m going home.
Me: I know its cause I said you had AIDS while it was really herpes. Apologies J
Me: Btw that was sarcastic
Her: Lmao I caught on.
Me: Who gave you herpes? Cant say bigbird
Her: Naw it was another ratchet bird
Me: Damn, I was hoping cookie monster, he’s my boy
Me: And my past Halloween costume
Me: Pic of me as cookie monster
Her: It was Grouch. Dirty bitch.
Me: Yeah, he bites, but you don’t mind that
Her: Lmao! Omg that’s awesome. My Halloween costume was better though
Her: Pic as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Me: Agreed, I kinda look lk I robbed cookie monster
Me: And damn, how am I not supposed to carry you over the shoulder, out of misery looking lk that?
Her: That was months ago. And sorrow, sugar, and a shit ton of sudafeds to the mix and that’s what you’d be getting.
Me: Sudafeds???
Her: Yup. Bought some potent shit for my cold lol.
Me: Also calling me sugar, is alluring.
Me: For some reason reminds me of rogue from xmen.
Her: I said add sugar and sudafeds lol. Wasn’t calling you sugar. Pfft get over yourself :P
Me: Pttf you shut your mouth when you stick ur tongue at me…woman
Me: And getting over myself is impossible when I radiate such a rick james aura
Her: Lmao not now. I miss Dave Chapelle.
Me: Next time ur over, I def say, “ Hold my drink bitch” note:its from that skit
Her: Lmao I know
Me: And then ill spank your ass. Note: not in skit
Me: Excuse me I hope you went to bed cuz you obviously needed it
Her: I’m actually tryin to study but some ratchet Indian keeps texting me.
Her: Lmao I’m sorry I’m hilarious. Thattext is genuinely making me laugh.
Me: Pssh, now im gonna put chocolate on my hand, so when I spank you, it leaves a big ass mark.
Me: Rachet=boinkable, lol
Her: Ratchet is like the complete opposite of boinkable lol
Me: I know dorkface
Me: Still not sure if ill let you boink me
Her: Literally that’s all I’ve been stressing about. Is whether or not you would let me. Damn.
Me: I see why you got herpes, trying to entice me, sneaky, sneaky
Me: I read no sarcasm in that, btw delusion thinking is so self serving
Her: Lmao that was entirely sarcastic
Me: Hmm, so rachet=boinkable, again
Me: Tell you what, ill highly consider it if you say pretty please
Her: I ain’t pretty pleasing nobody thafaq
Me: Thafaq
Her:Rachet way of saying the fuck
Me: Damn you got a lot racket in you girl
Her: I mean I am from the ghetto
Me: And you do have dat ghetto azz
Me: lol
Her: Ya pretty much
Me: Although I doubt your twerkage skills
Her: I cant twerk for shit.
Me: It aint junk in the trunk if you can’t combine it w funk
Me: Disappointing, I was expecting you in those ridiculous bootyclapping vids from walmart
Her: Why because I’m Hispanic. You racist
Me:Ummm, ususally its black people in those, trust me I know my bootyclapping videos
Me: U should flattered I put u in a racial group in the highest tier of round bum
Her: I know you be obsessed with my ass
Me: And I know you enjoyed my fingers [ I fingered her the last time we hung out and she really enjoy and was like, "That's not the only thing you're putting in there". I should perhaps escalate through txt here, making it sexual???]
Her: Idk know what you talking about
Me: Too sleepy to explain
Me: Gnight bubblebutt and good luck
Me: I’m sure you’ll kill it
Next Day
Me: Heard you got caught cheating. I would’ve certainly escaped unnoticed.
Her: :o I would never
Me: Bitch peas PIC
Me: So you obvi got 100%
Her: I got a solid 85. I hope haha.
Me: What a slacker!!!
Me: And when are you getting choco drunk?
Her: Soonish
After this called her, thought it would just be more solid. We chat for a while and I find out she is leaving tmrw and is hanging out w her friend. Also her roomates are vacating tnt and she is alone tnt. Instead of saying "txt me your done w your friends, I'll make sure the boogeyman doesn't kidnap you", I pussyfoot around and say I'll see her later and [below txt convo] get super fucking needy and then pissed off at her through txt [NOT MY FINEST MOMENT]
4-5hrs later
Me: Im wondering what a choco drunk txt is lk
Her: Idk I haven’t had choco yet :p
Me: Cookie monster is not approving:\
2 hrs later (10pm)
Me: Just fell asleep at work, I love how I can do that at my job
Called her, doesn't pick
Her: Im with my friends right now. What’s up.
Me: Just saw someone get bootyclap slapped, thought of you, lol
Me: And bruins lost
Her: No they didn’t 2nd over time. Don’t try me.
Me: Oh, I will J
Me: Really was hoping you’d believe me. Itd be the perfect time to carry you away from yo friends, crying and screaming,
Me: Quite a scene
Me: Anyways, headin to a bar w some buds, txt me…when the bruins lose ;)
Me: Where are you this bar sucksss!!!!
No response
Next day
Me: Wake up you ratchet little shit!!!
Me: Also, if they don’t throw you out, let know. Id gladly chuck scummy filth out the window.
Me: Did they kick you out?
Her: Not yet
Me: It’s trash day, they’ll get to you soon enough
Her: Lmao thanks. Dick.
Me: Ho
Me: Slut
Me: Dog
Me: So, are you just waiting for ur ride, plebian?
Her: I’m running errands first then leaving
Me: The d team at centerfolds did need a replacement…
2 Days Later
Me: Hows home goofy?
Her: It’s boring [thumbs down emoji]
Me:Already watched wedding crashers or Arnold movies for the 50th time?
Her: I’ve pretty much slept all day.
Me: Lazy fart, lol. I saved 17 monkeys and a power ranger.
Me: When’s that lazy butt of yours starting work?
Her: Couple of weeks
Me: Nice
Me: Ummm, wanna do my laundry?
Me: Then you’d hv one of 6.5 ways to my hrt
Her: Ehh too far.
Me: So ur saying if I close enough there’s be a chance;) [ a Dumb and Dumber reference]
Her: A very slight chance.
Me: Still not 0 ;
Her: It’s lk .1 outta 10 :p
Me: Id even let you sit on my floor after
Me:>>>>.2
Me: Wait, can u cook?
Her: I can
Me: Good somebody gotta feed my 15 illegit kids
Me: Best dish?
Doesn’t respond for 45 min
Me: Excuse me, you only go to bed when I tell u
Next Day
9:00am Her: Then throw me out after :p still .1
Me: Ugh, too early darth vader kitty. U dropped to .5 ;P
Me: *.05
Me:.*.005
I totally fucked up the buyer/seller dynamic and am being I puss, I know. She is only 40 minutes and I feel I should just try to get her out here and go for the meetup. Thoughts?
Maybe things just didn't go that well when you guys chilled. I mean you can never really text your way out of a bad interaction. You said you fingered her but maybe that wasn't enough. No bigs shit happens just leave her be for a while
I think your texts are good and creative, but your maybe just saying a bit too much
I think you are qualifying yourself too much, man. Let her contribute too. You go at her super hard, every exchange(which I like doing too, trust me, I am a fan), but then you do not let her like/want you because you are all over her.
Trust in your pull, let her come to you and do her best to contribute to the frame, pepper in small escalations to get her feeling good in your space, and when you get her alone... BOOM! give her the D
Ok, I know MW is gonna take away my txting priveledges for this one, when he sees how poorly I handled this. Also, let me know how you would have txted differently before the last txt.
So, I tried to get her out tmrw, since I found out I basically have the day off, except for a MW coaching session.
Me: So, I just found out I'm basically free tmrw. Let grab lunch. Don't worry I still have capri-sun.
Her: Haha where in Boston
Me: dunkin ;)
Me: Haha, there a good crepe place that just opened, but I prob see what I feel like eating at the time
Her: Hmm. Do i feel like taking the train in
Me: I did redo the floors ;)
Her: It is gonna be pretty nice tmrw. Hmm.
Me: Girl, if you tease, i gonna to tease u until it feels right
Her: Oh plese you don't know how to tease ;p
Not sure how to respond
Ok, I really fucked up a softball here. But I suck at when to just really be direct w these things and how to persuade. Fuck me.
Hm this is a very interesting point I'm going to have to add this to the book..
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
You of course feel like taking the train in, not just because it goes CHOO CHOO
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Help me out here dude why should she come hang out with you.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Ok got it all set up be here by 12:30 we got plans lil train wrecker
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
ummm... cause she wants the d, lol
Cause she is in a shitty lil semi-ghetto town 40 min outside of Boston
And no baller dudes, exist out there like me, and if they are, they're certainly drug dealers( not legal ones)
Cause she is at home, bored, with no job to go to yet and already sick of watching how i met your mother and three and half men on repeat
Cause Charlie Sheen is doneee
Lol nice. Send both those texts
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male