Moving from Casual to Wanting to Explore More with a Girl (Post Sex Related)
So the question I’d like to ask here unfortunately isn’t easy to phrase. It’s more of a dynamic I’d like to get opinions on.
It’s been happening somewhat more frequently where recently I’ve been dating hotter and hotter girls, and feeling more inclined to (monogamously) date. Perhaps makes sense, as I am finally really beginning to feel like I am now actually quite capable of meeting/sleeping with girls who I would consider my female equivalents; no longer like where before I felt like if I were to date, it’d be with the best girl from a mediocre pool of women. My consistency with hotter/overall higher quality women (intelligence, stable emo/mentally, have life goals they seek to fulfill etc) has been improving very well.
So the other day I met and was (sexually) with someone who I would consider to embody moooore or less my ideal characteristics in a female partner, at least from her surface personality/life styles/life goals/etc. In all fairness I did only meet her once and spent 3-4 hour together – so sure, how much could I really have learned about her. Was definitely the cutest girl in my opinion I’ve ever been with (although wtf does that even mean, I personally see the “new hottest girl I’ve ever seen bro!!” about 4x a week lmao) – was very bubbly, friendly, our personalities really fed off of each other’s, sex was incredible, very intimate sex/intimacy after sex for hours etc. All that great stuff.
My “question” is – At what point does developing feelings for a woman become more “appropriate”, perhaps time wise. Because yeah, although I’ve been with quite a largER number of girls (maybe not compared to some of you guys) and generally don’t get too swayed/hung up on girls, I still once in a while meet some who attracts me beyond sheer sex (what could be more normal..).
I feel like the general “community advice” is developing feelings is “gay” or “weak” or some form of “self-unacceptance” or perhaps even emotional/mental weakness. I’ve definitely have heard this verbiage been thrown around a LOT (not necessarily here) – and it’s concerning (although not something I subscribe to).
On the one hand, I know myself, and I one day VERY MUCH DO want to be married to ONE woman with whom I can build and share a family and life with. No doubt. However on what time schedule? Who knows. Probably closer to 5-10 years out (I’m 25).
HOWEVER, again, I haven’t quite met that one special lady yet and am just casually dating around, but at the same time I am trying to stay open to relationships with girls who I could see something positive happening with, and hence the struggle, which is this: I’ve had no problem maintaining a cool, fun vibe with her on text, texting now and again, being silly/fun etc (I called her too like you recommended and had a quick chat about nothing really – was just chill) – however I feel this behavior is not completely aligned with those more “strong feelings” I want to explore, which I realize if I communicate to her may totally freak her out, but I don’t know. Maybe she’d be into it as well. It’s like I’m behaving one way to keep the ball rolling, and otherwise suppressing those other feelings and not communicating them – so I feel some sort of self-disconnect. Not sold on her 100% just yet, but definitely interested and wanting to further explore things beyond the “yeah lets fuck twice and peace”.
Do you guys experience this shit too? Am I just crazy for feeling for a girl after just one great night? I can see how it’d be easy for someone to tell me I’m being soft and need to “love me more” and “be more grounded in myself so that I don’t need anyone else in my life” etc – but when does that become hurtful advice that robs us of our humanity here? At the end of the day, we’re fucking human beings. We feel shit. We’re alive. And no, I don’t NEED her, but I’m certainly interested in her, and struggle walking the line between being “cool/easy going/fun” and wanting to explore the more emotional side of things with her.
I’m sure some of this situation results from me having met a particularly attractive stunning girl – but if this were some hooker who looked identical, I’m certain I wouldn’t have thought of her a second longer after she left.
I’ve been toying with this idea moving forward – I need to promise to myself I will NOT become at ALL emotionally invested in any one girl/entertain ANY future thoughts with her until perhaps say at least a third date or something, and until then, it’s simply a crapshoot and ANYTHING could happen – kind of like a self-protection policy. Perhaps had I followed this earlier, this whole “issue” would’ve been avoided, as I’d have promised myself not to get AT All emotionally involved until at least a third fun/successful meet – which in turn would’ve made our vibe together now in the interim feel much more natural and fun to me, without ANY of the “pressure” I sometimes now feel being caught between behaving one way and feeling another.
Even writing this out has helped me somewhat better understand my own position – but as always – opinions greatly appreciated to gain some clarity here.
There's one golden rule to follow when thinking about a relationship with a girl. Does she make your life BETTER.
It's not about if you just find yourself thinking about her, which is cool, or thinking about her while you jack off, which is also great ;). It's about deeper spiritual impact. Does she inspire you? Do you find yourself exploring and moving into new areas? Are you guys a TEAM?
I don't think that the general community teaching is that 'developing feelings is bad/weak'.
I mean, like you say, we are humans. How else are we supposed to connect with another person if we don't develop feelings towards them.
Maybe they focus on 'pimping' rather than 'boyfriending' because the latter is what is battered into our brains socially and culturally.... and there is some truth to the idea that 'pimping' will help you become a better boyfriend.. or a better man.
I personally don't like having hard and fast rules about this kinda stuff. Waiting till the third date for self protection doesn't seem that wise imo. Part of really getting to know someone is making yourself vulnerable by putting yourself on the line, instead of protecting yourself against them.
Also if you are choosing this girl from an otherwise abundant lifestyle.. I think that's a good sign that you are not 'choding out' into a relationship.
Thanks so much for your input - appreciated as always:
Yes, I do. I really fucking like the way I am around her. I'm in a good mood, we LAUGH, we JOKE, the sex is bomb, we talk random smack about people, act retarded/outlandish, etc. I feel like she's comeone I could definitely see something happening with in the future, and feel like we DO make a good team. One current issue is that I'm moving back to school (about 2 hours away from each other) - also she has come out of a long relationship not too long ago, and has almost always been dating in her life. So I feel like it would be GOOD for her to be single for a while and experience what that's like, and to revisit the possibility when in 8 months when I'm done and geographically closer to her. I'm not looking to date ASAP with her, as I realize a long distance relationship would be fucked for us both - what I would like is to keep things open and see her once in a while. Once I'm done school, she won't be that far away and we can revisit. Any advice on a specific situation like this and how to move forward? General comments?
For some reason, I feel like this may be very similar to the time when I thought going for a makeout with a girl in a public bar setting could very well end up in her screaming/yelling/make a humilaiting scene, when in reality when I now do it, it almost ALWAYS goes off GREAT, and things between us are better because of it. Could this be the same? I'm not suggesting I POUR my feelings out to her here, but perhaps I should feel less inhibition in messaging her/showing more interest (as opposed to EXPLICITLY stating "I like you.."), which would in turn amp things up (similar to above makeout example..)
Is there any more insight you could provide? Any Q&As you've done on this?
"I personally don't like having hard and fast rules about this kinda stuff. Waiting till the third date for self protection doesn't seem that wise imo. Part of really getting to know someone is making yourself vulnerable by putting yourself on the line, instead of protecting yourself against them."
This really, really resonsates with me - and I'd like to know - what ARE some ways I can further put myself on the line? As an example, something I've thought of is this: often times I've heard from various sources that messaging/inviting a girl out again the day after/2 days after is "too much too quick" - almost like your "showing your cards" too much too soon or something. And I fucking HATE this thinking. I think it's so damaging. What I'd like to do, in an ideal world, is BE OKAY messaging her and inviting her out 2 days after, without worry, and being OKAY with whatever the outcome is. Whether she says yes/no. Like you're EXPRESSING your interest in her, without being VERBALLY EXPLICIT about it. There must be a better way to do this than I am aware of..
This is definitely the next biggest area of growth and work I will be focusing on in my development here - really struggling walking that line between Masculinity and Showing (Semi-Commital) Emotion - twisting it up in my head believing they are almost contradictory (yet I know logically they aren't, I just can't seem to make that full connection in my mind..).
It can be pretty simple dude. Take any "lovey dovey" statements and make them cocky/funny. Start there.
Post up your text convo with her in this thread.
So as an update - this basically kind of handled itself, really.
Another classic case of me using my fucking head too much and reading too much into things. I have a seriously terrible habit of looking WAY TOO INTO THINGS, and create issues that didn't exist in the first place.
I was just basically patient, cool and kept things light and fun - and she eventually got more and more open/comfortable with me over time. I now feel like she's way more emotionally invested in US than I felt at the beginning of this thread - which is positive lol.
Something interesting I noted was (which isn't at all surprising..just interesting because this example involves a hot girl and me :b) even though at the beginning when I was trippin' that she didn't really give a fuck about me and just wanted a post-breakup lay - turns out she did actually feel the same as I did, and literally told me she'd play text games with me because she wanted to keep me interested in her (and so played hard to get..shorter texts..read receipts and didn't reply for a couple hours). I can only imagine what other things she may not have said/told me that I perhaps too feel and didn't tell her in fear of coming off too strong lol. It's funny to see the dating game up and close behind the scenes like this =P
What comes of it who knows - but it's now at least clear to me she has feelings for me - whether over time things change remains to be seen ..
If things go sideways I'll be sure to revive this thread..
But thanks to everyone who chimed in.
You're a very expressive dude so if it was there you were probably naturally going to give her the emotions and attention she needed so I wasn't really worried.
That being said don't be afraid to proactively lay it down on a girl. I don't necessarily mean "lovey dovey" I mean more "masculine" styles of displaying affection. Territoriality, aggressiveness, predator/prey, even treating her like property.. lol. Women innately recognize these emotional deluges
and DUDE - I didn't even think of those types of things for some reason... like I definitely FELT them but didn't think there was an appropriate way to express those without coming off as too "needy" and so didn't - but I can totally see some ways I could have fun with this... ;)
Do you have any writtenreports/audio of this type of thing?? Would be sweet to explore some more
You've probably read through most of my lay reports right? There's definitely elements of this in there but maybe it's more a matter of reading between the lines.