Open/Poly Relationships & Dating/Sexin' Other Women Difficulties

Hey fellas,

Long time no see.

I have a question for you guys about being in open/poly relationships and your experience dating in that dynamic – I unfortunately don’t expect many people to have much input as it seems that it’s not a very popular relationship orientation, however, I thought I’d ask nonetheless. But first – a little background might be of help (TLDR at the end).

Since my last post a year or two ago, I have met and had an incredible relationship with a lovely & very pretty polyamorous sex worker. I’ve seen and experienced an insane amount of stuff as a result, and it’s been a crazy journey. At first we started seeing each other quite casually, didn’t live together, and still very much had our own independent lives. She would do her own thing and see who she was seeing, and I did the same. As time went on, we developed very strong feelings for each other, and were hanging out constantly. After about a year of seeing each other, we eventually moved in together as my roommate who I’ve been living with downtown (very $ rent) eventually moved out of the city, and my now girlfriend wanted to move away from her roommate, as it wasn’t working out between them. I ended up moving into her apartment once my roommate moved out of the city, as my girlfriend’s roommate at the time decided to move out and give us the apartment to live in together. We were constantly hanging out (every weekend, basically) and multiple times during the weekday as well – it just made perfect sense to move in together logistically (and financially it worked out super well too).

For a very large portion of our relationship together, I truthfully wasn’t even interested in seeing other women. I was so involved with her, and had very little desire to fuck anyone else. I was super satisfied and fulfilled by her. Now and again I’d hook up with some of her friends, and we’d host play parties and I’d hook up with girls there, however, it wasn’t all that frequent. Maybe once every couple/few months. She’d be constantly urging me to flirt with and fuck other women (as it really turned her on) – and even then – given the ENCOURAGEMENT and green light to do so – I didn’t have any desire to at the time.

Fast forward to now – and a very long story short – I’ve been feeling myself desiring other women to fuck outside of my girlfriend, which is great and everything and my girlfriend really wants – however – the issue and the reason for my question is – I’ve been finding it *extremely* difficult to meet women who are okay and comfortable with my current relationship. What I failed to understand at the time when my girlfriend encouraged me to flirt/fuck other women was (as I wasn’t doing it) – she wanted me to do so with women who acknowledged and respected the fact that I am in a relationship with her, albeit open/’poly’. And it has been an uphill battle as a result, lol.

The issue is – the open/poly community is so very small compared to the general population. Sure, we go to events and parties where virtually everyone there is open/poly – but it’s very often the same people, not too many new faces, and I just feel like my options are so god damn limited now that I’m actually trying to meet other women. What also doesn’t help is the fact that I find most people who are ethically open/poly just aren’t that attractive.. sure, there’s some stunners for sure. But the vast majority of people in that community just aren’t particularly attractive, which is a big no go for me, lol.

I’ve tried gearing my online dating profiles in such a way that I’m at least telling women up front my situation without being too specific, and my matches/options have almost entirely dried up. I never had that in my profile initially; however, I found that 99% of women once they learned my situation just weren’t down – so I ended up putting some of this info in my profile to screen out those who were absolutely against the idea entirely to save everyone some time. What I’ve so far found is that my current situation is just too awkward/foreign for 99% of women and they aren’t willing to pursue anything with me, however casual/serious they wanted things. Even when they state they WANT something super casual and easy going with no commitment, once I put even a couple of my cards on the table, they just retreat and don’t want to pursue anything with me. Again, even with minimal information, it feels as though women just ARE NOT okay with the situation. It’s super fucking frustrating. And oddly enough, what I’ve found in the past is, when I was not living with my girlfriend – I’d be hooking up with tons of different women, and when I eventually told them I was beginning to see someone more seriously, THEY WERE OKAY WITH THAT AND CONTINUED TO SEE ME. But now that they have that info upfront, it seems like all my options have dried the fuck up.

I’m finding women, even if they want something casual, really deep down want to know there is at least the POSSIBILITY that it could turn into some sort of relationship if they really got along with me – but knowing I’m in an open/poly dynamic with a girl already, just dashes that hope in their mind of it turning into something more serious if they wanted it to – at least that’s what I think is happening from my experience. As a result – they just disengage. I’ve even had a woman TELL me, who was visiting from London, that even though she was only in town for a couple weeks and wanted something casual/NSA – that she didn’t want to do that with me because she “didn’t feel special” know I love someone else. And she TOLD me how REDICULOUS that is, knowing it full well herself. However, she still felt the way she did, and ended up disengaging with me. Like how fucking bonkers is that lol.

My girlfriend is currently really not comfortable with the idea of me bringing women home who have no knowledge of our relationship, which is where this issue is stemming from. If I could, this would be an absolute nonissue. However, given that we are in this relationship style, she wants me to be upfront and honest about our dynamic, out of respect for her, and for the other women. She doesn't want me lying to women/lying by omission of information. And I can definitely understand that and where she is coming from. I don't entirely agree with it (as a lot of women DO just want one night stands/to have NSA fun, but mentally/emotionally they are triggered/can't accept the fact that there is another women more important than them to me in my life, so why trigger that in them if they just want casual fun), but I wanted to respect that and see if there's a way I can make this work/meet in the middle. We’re slowly having talks of relaxing that ‘rule’ – as she knows I’m really struggling to meet other women, and it’s getting to the point that I’m second guessing being in this relationship because I feel super sexually frustrated, but that hasn’t happened yet.  I’m really trying to explore every option possible before ending the relationship or moving into a new apartment by myself, as I really do love this girl, and we are great together – but I just can’t give up my sexual freedom long term. I’ve tried to in the past, and it just doesn't work for me.

TLDR

So the question is – and again, I realize this probably isn’t the best forum/place to ask here – do any of you have experience dating/fucking other women while in an open/poly relationship and being HONEST about it? Have you found any particular way to work around this issue I am experiencing which I’ve detailed above ?

I realize a lot of guys would just sneak around/fuck around their girlfriends’ backs and lie about things to them, however, a) I don’t want to be LIEING to the person I’m involved with and care deeply about – I really want to make an honest effort in this relationship style and see if it’s something that I could make work long-term and have my own needs fulfilled along the way, and b) even if I did, we LIVE together. She would know and quickly learn if I were doing anything “shady” behind her back, very, very quickly.

Appreciate any and all input on the topic.

Thanks guys. <3