Problem with affection
Hey. I'm looking for some feedback or someone else's opinion who's more knowledgeable about these things than I am...
AN EXAMPLE: I had this chick in my bed and she just wanted to hug me for a really long time. While I liked it, at the same time that kind of intimacy was awkward and uncomfortable for me and I ended up pushing her off. A few days later, I texted her and told her that I know she's just looking for somebody to "fix" and that she shouldn't waste her time. (which is true)
But it ended up turning into this weird argument where she was like, "You just want me to fuck off. So that's what i'm going to do."
After some introspection, I came to the conclusion... that she's 100% right.
I keep playing out this weird unconscious behavior where every time a woman shows affection toward me, or tries to get close, I force her away. I want the affection, but at the same time I can't tolerate it and invariably sabotage. I'll go and start some bullshit argument or drama about nothing until I force her away, or even straight up tell her to fuck off.
I think it comes from my childhood. My parents were not very affectionate. The majority of my dad's physical contact was hitting me. (Not to tell a "sob story," it is what it is.) Merely saying that I think that's what it stems from, because when I actually DO get affection, I get uncomfortable. It always feels "fake" or "contrived"... I literally had to train myself to hold hands with chicks, when a chick told me I never did it.
Even though like I said, I want it, but LIKE CLOCKWORK, I can't help myself, I go and find some way to sabotage and fuck things up with her later.
I think it's because once they start trying to get close to me, I push them away before they can push me away. And that's really really bad. I realized that I've been doing this over and over without even knowing what I was doing or why and I need to address this issue.
What I'm asking is, does this sound like an accurate self-assessment? Feedback is much appreciated.
Damn. Yeah I remember back in highschool I used to blow stuff up with females fairly regularly haha but it's prob not a big deal - just don't tell them to fuck off or wtvr it is you do.
Just embrace the discomfort and lean into it a little. Sounds like you just don't believe you're worthy of love or something like that because you had a shitty childhood with parents who probably also had shitty childhoods. people like you way more than you even know man that much I can promise you and it's the real deal so you kinda just gotta be cool with that and recognize when you're not being cool with it.
To answer your question though - I've never met you so cant say but could be for sure.
Your reasons why don't matter. Everyone's got "great" excuses to be a shithead, lol. But what matters is.. do you want that to change.
The universe does not care, it will pass you by, and you will be a mere flicker of a thought, of no consequence to anyone or anything. Life, over.
Do you want to only take value? Only take what's offered to you on a whim by women passing in and out of your life, based on superficial qualities you may or may not have, until they get sick of giving you hand-outs and leave? Or do you want to be someone that gives energy, good emotions, amazing sexual experiences, life, affection.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
It wasn't so much that I was trying to "take value" from them and just "throw them away." Actually the opposite. Maybe more like a "childish need for affection" ...so I drive them away first before they can do it to me. (Which is stupid.)
Honestly, I think this chick NAILED me when she said, "You just want me to fuck off." It was a bit of a shock because I genuinely didn't. But I look at the pattern of the last 4-5 girls+ and in one way or another, I've run the same pattern.
Your reasons why don't matter. Everyone's got "great" excuses to be a shithead, lol. But what matters is.. do you want that to change.
Definitely. That's why I asked about it. I'm not trying to place responsibility on the circumstances or "the reason why." I wouldn't even ASK if I didn't want to change that about myself lol... I'd just keep going on acting like RSD Julien.
Ok so then yes you need to not only start returning it but amplifying it. Taking it somewhere awesome
I'm curious how your typical sexual escalation with a girl goes down? New versus return visitor. Lol
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
I like to "surprise attack" chicks. For example, one girl I was with, we were walking down a sidewalk at a shopping plaza after buying some hookah, and we were headed back to her place to smoke... I surprised her and pushed her (forcefully but gently) against the wall, grabbed her knees and pulled her legs up, and made out with her. I was gently stroking her neck. We went back, smoked some hookah, took a shower. Had some crazy sex in the shower.
I saw her quite a few times after that. But after a month she "unfriended" me from FB and stopped responding.
This last chick I mentioned, kindof the same deal. She was super affectionate. She just wanted to sit there and hug me for like half an hour. And I remember feeling like she needed that more for herself. But that "intimacy" felt super awkward for me.
You're probably hitting close to the mark. I don't even have "return visitors." At least not for very long. But I want them to stick around, that's the problem.
'k. How often do you have "new visitors".
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
Unless I'm mistaken, you're trying to say I need to express that more "intimate/affectionate" physicality. After what I just wrote... that makes sense. I'm not displaying it from the start. Everything after is just confirmation for her that I'm just another "fuck boy." I'm setting the stage for my own demise. Yes?
'k. How often do you have "new visitors".
About every month or so. Sometimes every 2-3 when I'm focused on other things and not really putting effort into it. TBH I'm late 20's. I used to do the hookups and one-night stands. I'm looking for more Long-term now.
Yes that's a massive part of it. We're physical creatures, our primordial selves developed first in our evolution and our consciousness is rooted in it from an early age. And all verbal and emotional flow springs from there naturally, e.g. a lot of pua "comfort game" not rooted in physicality is for the fucking birds. So yeah.. "good game" with a woman is going to start there.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
The current definition of masculine touch and energy in your mind is probably associated mostly with pain, and is seemingly a bit predatory in nature. E.g. it's taking value without having much to offer in return. Thank your dad for that one, and the one-sided cardboard cut-out definition of "cowboy" masculinity prevalent throughout most of western society's history. This is why you "surprise attack" women when getting sexual with them. Lol. Not that that energy isn't great for sex, but it's definitely one-sided and sexually immature if it's the only tool in your box.
I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student
- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)
- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male
You sir. Are a rockstar. Thank you for that.