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Setting Boundaries - How would you handle this situation?

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Joined: 11/16/2013

In responding to Grapple's post, it reminded me of a situation I've been involved in the past couple days, that I wanted to get some thougths on. 

So I've been seeing this girl off and on for a bit, and the other day I had a pretty flirty exchange with a different girl on facebook, and one of the things I said to the girl on facebook was, "hun ; )"

Then the next night, this girl who I've been seeing was pissed and sending me texts where she was a little bothered. Then she sent me one really sarcastic text, followed by "hun ; )" - basically it became clear that she was bothered that I was flirting with this other girl on facebook, which is completely fucked up and not okay because we aren't in any way exclusive or even that serious. So it really bothered me. 

Anyway, this is the text convo:

Her: Yeah, I'm sure you're having a good night

Her: hun ; )

Me: ? 

Me: Was that some weird passive aggressive text?

Her: Totally weird, but meant to be silly 

Me: Hmm

Her: Obnoxious in retrospect but not aggressive

Me: You see this is indicative of a larger pattern. The fact that you even thought it was okay to say something obnoxious like that is an issue

Her: I honestly did not mean it like it read

Me: You're missing the point entirely 

Her: Can you explain it to me? I genuinely want to understand what you're saying because I'm confused

Me: There are broader connotations at work here

Her: I'd like to hear about them as you see it cause I feel really bad

I didn't respond to that last text, and she's called me twice since, and left a voicemail basically saying she was sorry and that she just wants to know what to do so that she doesn't fuck up again. 

The issue I'm having is that she knows exactly what she did, so if I'm having to explain it to her, she's not really learning. How would you guys handle this situation

beargrizz's picture
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Joined: 09/30/2012
Would like to hear MW s word.

Would like to hear MW s word. But I know EXACTLY what this shut is. My sister has been running this game on me since we were 6 year Olds lol.

It's like a learned childhood trait to do this. This thing of getting back at you but then pretending they don't know they are doing it. Even to the point where they call and say they don't want to do it again but they still never take responsibility or that they didn't mean to do it. The most scary part is when it gets so ingrained it just runs how they operate. I can't even have a real conversation with my sister anymore due to this nonsense. It's all emotional manipulation that was a decent ploy at age 5 but now....shit.

I would simply ask this girl bow she feels about the two of you and watch her freak. If she says it's all good you have to go with it until it's clearly not. But the behavior will change clearly and you'll be able to tell she is insecure about this then you'll know

__________________

“Cleverness devoid of wisdom is extremely dangerous and destructive.
Enlightenment consciously chosen means to relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the Now the main focus of your life.  Through allowing, you become what you are: vast, spacious. You become whole. You are not a fragment anymore, which is how the ego perceives itself. Your true nature emerges, which is one with the nature of God"
- Tollester

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Joined: 04/07/2014
I would not have even

I would not have even acknowledged that man.

AP_Grappler's picture
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Joined: 07/22/2014
FUCK man, this chick is

FUCK man, this chick is exactly like the chick that played the same shit with me....

I wish I ignored it, I tried to change the topic ASAP. I would have much rather done it your way.. but she made it seem like she was warning me or some shit.

You basically called her out on her shit which was good, I think that's what you ideally want to do. 

I feel like if you ignored it, she would definitely do it again at some point. I kind of like it when girls get jealous, but not when they do shit like this out of jealousy lol..

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Joined: 01/18/2012
Grappler read this again and

Grappler read this again and again. Think about the emotional nuances going on. Then go cry in a corner

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Joined: 07/22/2014
I definitely wish I handled

I definitely wish I handled it like this...God dammit 

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Joined: 01/18/2012
I can tell this girl's gonna

I can tell this girl's gonna be making a lot of sandwiches come some time soon 

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I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student

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Joined: 11/15/2013
I would probably not have

I would probably not have acknowledged it either. Is that bad?

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Joined: 11/16/2013
In the past I wouldn't have

In the past I wouldn't have acknowlledged it either. If I did I may have made a joke about it or something, but honestly, I think that's kinda a bitch move (one that I have made too many times).

It's subtle shit like this that ends up manifesting in larger issues. - Cause Here's the thing: This isn't about the specific text - It's about the broader connotations - it's the fact that she thought it was okay to do that...

When guys are complaining about how their girl cheated on them, or how a girl they're dating doesn't respect them in public (which is a huge issue), it's becuase small shit like this manifests itself. It's because the girl gains momentum. She says one or two small things, and you don't call it out, you don't clear it up, and so then she escalates, and has momentum. And then down the road she's disrespecting you in public or cheating on you or shit like that

Better to cut it off immediately, I think. But then again, we'll see how this plays out.  

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Joined: 12/19/2013
Manwhore wrote: Grappler read

Manwhore wrote:
Grappler read this again and again. Think about the emotional nuances going on. Then go cry in a corner

HAHAHAHahaha

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Joined: 12/19/2013
pottedflowers wrote:In the

pottedflowers wrote:
In the past I wouldn't have acknowlledged it either. If I did I may have made a joke about it or something, but honestly, I think that's kinda a bitch move (one that I have made too many times).

It's subtle shit like this that ends up manifesting in larger issues. - Cause Here's the thing: This isn't about the specific text - It's about the broader connotations - it's the fact that she thought it was okay to do that...

When guys are complaining about how their girl cheated on them, or how a girl they're dating doesn't respect them in public (which is a huge issue), it's becuase small shit like this manifests itself. It's because the girl gains momentum. She says one or two small things, and you don't call it out, you don't clear it up, and so then she escalates, and has momentum. And then down the road she's disrespecting you in public or cheating on you or shit like that

Better to cut it off immediately, I think. But then again, we'll see how this plays out.  

Flowers is a fucking G.

Relationship COLLAPSE on this type of subtle nuances that guy let fly because of Lazyness/Lack of leadership. This thread is GOLD I read the initial post 5 times & everyone should.

It's full on shit-test.

Let's say Flower let that slip.
Then she tease Flower in a social setting that Flower call another girl "hun ;)".

Then she refuse to make a sandwiche and told you to call "hun ;)" to do it.

Then she's not on the radar for 5 days and post a picture with some guy on facebook and when you ask what's going on she say "Ask Hun ;)".

Then you slap the shit out of her and go in jail. And now you roomate call you Hun.

Don't let "hun ;)" go unpunished.

By the way not only with girls but if your comrade at school, your sister/brother or friends do shit like that tell them STRAIGHT UP, like freeze the interaction and make it clear of what's going on.

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Joined: 12/19/2013
It's full on shit-test.Let's

The issue I'm having is that she knows exactly what she did, so if I'm having to explain it to her, she's not really learning. How would you guys handle this situation

"You know exactly what you did and waiting for me to explaining it to you is adding to this bullshit you start and will not stop you doing it."

Inspiring thread man.

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Joined: 04/07/2014
How about acknowledging it

How about acknowledging it when she ACTUALLY brings it up? If thats ever the case. And if she does be done with it in 5 minutes? I personally don't have time to deal with passive aggressive BS like this

Perhaps an alternative? What do I know, Im not a relationship expert though..lolz

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Joined: 05/05/2014
Rael wrote: pottedflowers

Rael wrote:
pottedflowers wrote:
 Let's say Flower let that slip. Then she tease Flower in a social setting that Flower call another girl "hun ;)". Then she refuse to make a sandwiche and told you to call "hun ;)" to do it. Then she's not on the radar for 5 days and post a picture with some guy on facebook and when you ask what's going on she say "Ask Hun ;)". Then you slap the shit out of her and go in jail. And now you roomate call you Hun.

hahaha not that hard to believe actually  

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Joined: 05/05/2014
Yo pottedpower, so how did

Yo pottedpower, so how did you play it in the end? 

Pretty curious about this. you reasoning makes sense to me, and I have had shit tons of trouble for not enforcing boundaries right away.

There must be a some smart way to straigthen her out, especially because you got quite a lot of leverage here. 

Maybe have her write a little essay on the problem. two pages or so. That should give a way to save face, 'as she didn't know before', but can now  through thinking it through on her own 'understand it' without you having to explain it all to her,  and thereby win you back actually in legit way.

never done this before, lol, so just idea. 

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Joined: 09/23/2013
Rael wrote: The issue I'm

Rael wrote:
The issue I'm having is that she knows exactly what she did, so if I'm having to explain it to her, she's not really learning. How would you guys handle this situation "You know exactly what you did and waiting for me to explaining it to you is adding to this bullshit you start and will not stop you doing it." Inspiring thread man.

I dont think its terribly important  to have the girl  admit to what shes doing. I think you just need to call her out and address it. She will learn that you dont tolerate that shit and will respect you for being a man. 

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Joined: 09/23/2013
Chris wrote: Maybe have her

Chris wrote:

Maybe have her write a little essay on the problem. two pages or so. That should give a way to save face, 'as she didn't know before', but can now  through thinking it through on her own 'understand it' without you having to explain it all to her,  and thereby win you back actually in legit way.

never done this before, lol, so just idea. 

This is just way overkill imo. Thats turning into control freak psycho shit. You want to call her out quickly and be done with the issue. Dont make it into a huge deal. Just let her know you dont tolerate that bs and move on.

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Joined: 11/16/2013
Ya I'm with ya trick - I was

Ya I'm with ya trick - I was maybe goin a lil overkill, so that's on me probably. Anyway, I didn't respond for a couple days. Man, not gonna lie, putting my foot down like this has been a bit of a test- it's not easy, for me.  After  4 days she responded:

Her: I've been thinking a lot about it and I think I have an idea

Her: And I'm extremely sorry but I was honestly missing talking to you and just trying to engage and it was a stupid drunk text

Her: I do feel like I'm missing a piece of this still

Her: But I feel really shitty that I hurt/angered you and it also sucks that you think I'd do that carelessly

Her: Idk I just legit think you're great and it's been ossum seeing and talking with you and like... that's the only way I'd want to treat you

So obviously this was very heartfelt, and I felt she understood the situation, and why I was angered by it. We're on terms again, but obviously there will be a ramp-up period. 

But YO Dude, have her write an essay? wtf 

That's like someone who reads this shit, hasn't ever expereienced it, and just thinks it's all some detached bullshit.... as opposed to it being actual real people and real emotions we're dealin with. Like this is real life man, and this girl is cool as shit - I'm not just carelessly messing with her... 

I don't think you understand it, but honestly man - that was a lil disugsting... Like you gotta take care and be gentle with these emotions man. Especially at a point like this. This isn't some Julien RSD shit where we treat emotions like play things. It's about respect. And of course if I'm not being respected, I'm putting my foot down, but I'm not trying to needlessly dominate her or some weird shit. 

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Joined: 09/30/2012
Who said to write an essay?

Who said to write an essay?

__________________

“Cleverness devoid of wisdom is extremely dangerous and destructive.
Enlightenment consciously chosen means to relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the Now the main focus of your life.  Through allowing, you become what you are: vast, spacious. You become whole. You are not a fragment anymore, which is how the ego perceives itself. Your true nature emerges, which is one with the nature of God"
- Tollester

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Joined: 01/22/2015
The essay idea is mean and

The essay idea is mean and hilarious at the same time. Seems like a page out of Julien's book.

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Joined: 01/18/2012
TrickAssMark wrote: Rael

TrickAssMark wrote:
Rael wrote:
The issue I'm having is that she knows exactly what she did, so if I'm having to explain it to her, she's not really learning. How would you guys handle this situation "You know exactly what you did and waiting for me to explaining it to you is adding to this bullshit you start and will not stop you doing it." Inspiring thread man.

I dont think its terribly important  to have the girl  admit to what shes doing. I think you just need to call her out and address it. She will learn that you dont tolerate that shit and will respect you for being a man. 

You're mostly correct actually, good observation. Unless a girl makes a mistake repeatedly and you realize she doesn't understand something that's really eating at you or is bad for her/you/we.. making a girl admit something is a need the ego has that really doesn't need to have addressed that much, lol. As a coach and a brother and at one point an officer and a mentor, I learned to remove my ego from myself when I was helping somebody out or just getting something done simply because it really needed to get done. That's why the world respects military officers so much, because these people have had to learn to look past the ego to work with people to get things accomplished. 

I was talking to Patrick.Bateman about this actually. As much as I want to make everything a lesson on this forum, I can't. And of course I've learned not to. Mostly because people run from too much of it, but also because it's not really healthy for me either. 

Plus.. you can either abandon "people" and try to only focus on your own shit (which I've met at least a couple sociopaths whose only goal was "raising their lay count"), or you can learn to work with the people around you to craft something even greater. 

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I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student

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The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. - William Shakespeare & Pablo Picasso

I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student

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