Super Basic Question
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 06:09
One thing that's going on with me right now is that I'm having a lot of questions about like really basic shit. Stuff that I thought I sorta had figured out a while ago, is coming back and I'm like, "Wait... why do I do this" or "Why is that the case?"
These are the kinds of questions that if someone else asked them, I'd give a sarcastic answer and brush it off but now I'm like, "Wait a second..."
I really just want to be able to have a Q and A with an instructor so I can get all of these super basic questions answered- I'm not sure if I'm reaching a new level of game or if I'm just learning the basics for the first time- either way, here's my question:
How is empathy different from "being reactive"? Similarly, what's the difference between "Reacting" and "Calibrating"
I went out tonight and totally realized how little empathy I have. I actually don't have the skillset yet that allows me to pick up on subtle social cues, when they don't effect me.
Like if somebody is crying, or it's "obvious"- I'll obviously notice it and actually have a HUGE amount of empathy in these situations but when it comes to more subtle emotional cues in other people- I choose to be pretty oblivious.
I'm almost just like so involved in my own movie that it seems to go beyond being "unreactive" - it's like a bulldozer.
But when it comes to subtle cues that have an effect on ME- I'm EXTREMELY astute.
LOL kinda wish it was flipped
These are the kinds of questions that if someone else asked them, I'd give a sarcastic answer and brush it off but now I'm like, "Wait a second..."
I really just want to be able to have a Q and A with an instructor so I can get all of these super basic questions answered- I'm not sure if I'm reaching a new level of game or if I'm just learning the basics for the first time- either way, here's my question:
How is empathy different from "being reactive"? Similarly, what's the difference between "Reacting" and "Calibrating"
I went out tonight and totally realized how little empathy I have. I actually don't have the skillset yet that allows me to pick up on subtle social cues, when they don't effect me.
Like if somebody is crying, or it's "obvious"- I'll obviously notice it and actually have a HUGE amount of empathy in these situations but when it comes to more subtle emotional cues in other people- I choose to be pretty oblivious.
I'm almost just like so involved in my own movie that it seems to go beyond being "unreactive" - it's like a bulldozer.
But when it comes to subtle cues that have an effect on ME- I'm EXTREMELY astute.
LOL kinda wish it was flipped
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 06:16
#1
My guess would be that
My guess would be that "Reactivity" is basically just "Uncontrolled Calibration"- that sounds weird but it's my way of describing it.
Like they are similar- in that when you calibrate, you are changing your behavior based on how the other person is feeling
When you react, you are similarly, changing your behavior based on how the other person is feeling but, the difference, seems to just be that in the case of "reactivity" you aren't CHOOSING to change your behavior- you're not in control
Is this the difference? What else is involved?
Like they are similar- in that when you calibrate, you are changing your behavior based on how the other person is feeling
When you react, you are similarly, changing your behavior based on how the other person is feeling but, the difference, seems to just be that in the case of "reactivity" you aren't CHOOSING to change your behavior- you're not in control
Is this the difference? What else is involved?
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 16:12
#2
I think of "reacting" as
I think of "reacting" as giving your power away, allowing their frame to dominate you in some way in order to fit in or be liked. You're doing it for their benefit. I think calibration is best when its from a grounded, centered place, from your desire to be come more socially intelligent and empathetic. I've pondered similar ideas a fair bit; how about the difference between wearing cool clothes to be trendy/fit in vs. wearing awesome threads just because YOU like them? subtle but distinct difference I think. similar concept no?
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 16:52
#3
Yeah dude- I was thinking the
Yeah dude- I was thinking the same shit.
I actually thought about that clothes thing the other day and was considering going to some "not mainstream" stores, so that I can find some stuff that I like just for me and not because it's at some "cool" store.
With empathy and calibration though- you are still doing it for their benefit, on some level- but yes, it's the difference between doing something for someone else AND giving your power away and doing something for someone else WITHOUT giving your power away.
I actually thought about that clothes thing the other day and was considering going to some "not mainstream" stores, so that I can find some stuff that I like just for me and not because it's at some "cool" store.
With empathy and calibration though- you are still doing it for their benefit, on some level- but yes, it's the difference between doing something for someone else AND giving your power away and doing something for someone else WITHOUT giving your power away.
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 17:12
#4
Yeah, i do some of my clothes
Yeah, i do some of my clothes shopping at vintage/ 2nd hand stores (not all, just a piece here and there). I find that clothes used to be of way higher quality than they are now. Plus I don't really subscribe to trends.
For myself, I disagree about the calibration/empathy.
I got into the "community" initially because I thought I wanted girls/to be popular/ to be liked etc. Not at all the case anymore. I am purely motivated by my own self improvement and desire for freedom to act of my own intention and not feel held back at all. If I were to act purely of my own intention and to live in my own reality completely without any calibration or pinging from social cues is like the craziest of homeless people who allow themselves to rant off to no-one and believe the craziest shit. That is not what i want. I want to be free, un-stifled, acting of my own intention AND well socialized, calibrated, aware-of and relate-able-to others and what they are feeling so I can share experiences with them and not just polarize everybody. I want to do this for myself, not for anyone else.
For myself, I disagree about the calibration/empathy.
I got into the "community" initially because I thought I wanted girls/to be popular/ to be liked etc. Not at all the case anymore. I am purely motivated by my own self improvement and desire for freedom to act of my own intention and not feel held back at all. If I were to act purely of my own intention and to live in my own reality completely without any calibration or pinging from social cues is like the craziest of homeless people who allow themselves to rant off to no-one and believe the craziest shit. That is not what i want. I want to be free, un-stifled, acting of my own intention AND well socialized, calibrated, aware-of and relate-able-to others and what they are feeling so I can share experiences with them and not just polarize everybody. I want to do this for myself, not for anyone else.
Tue, 04/09/2013 - 17:14
#5
I see
I see
Wed, 04/10/2013 - 15:54
#6
Maybe reconsidering this a
Maybe reconsidering this a bit. Maybe sometimes it is for them. I got thinking about when I'm fucking a girl; a lot of the time I'll just do what I want to do to her and she'll love it. Sometimes though if I'm fucking her and she's loving it (and I'll be calibrating the things that she loves), I'll want to do more of what she loves because I want to make her come really hard. Am I doing this for me or for her? I honestly don't know.. I love watching her lose her mind because i find it a huge turn-on, at the same time I really want to give her that experience. I guess it's both. I think maybe for me that analogy translates to pickup as well.
Wed, 04/10/2013 - 16:14
#7
Yeah, during sex I'm
Yeah, during sex I'm completely in my own movie haha
Also though- I think that there is a level of intimacy/trust that exists during sex that doesn't exist when you're first meeting someone, or even after an hour of talking with someone
So there is obviously much more you can get away with at that point.
Nice post
Also though- I think that there is a level of intimacy/trust that exists during sex that doesn't exist when you're first meeting someone, or even after an hour of talking with someone
So there is obviously much more you can get away with at that point.
Nice post
Thu, 04/11/2013 - 08:42
#8
Gorgeous post Aj
Gorgeous post Aj Ruby.
You're really hitting on the difference between the male and female sexual experience. Guys get lost in the sexual experience, they read books on female orgasms, obsess over making a girl cum or not, and then completely lose their ability to give the girl the unique experience of their own sexuality. Girls want to be lead into a sexual experience with you, they don't want you overly focused on them.
Guys need to work on maximizing their own sexual experience (no this does not include two-pump chumping), and that is what the girl will truly enjoy.
Then again as Ruby was trying to describe, all interactions you have with a girl are supposed to end up being something you guys build together. At a certain point your interaction will reach a level of synergy that almost makes you two move in conjunction.
You're really hitting on the difference between the male and female sexual experience. Guys get lost in the sexual experience, they read books on female orgasms, obsess over making a girl cum or not, and then completely lose their ability to give the girl the unique experience of their own sexuality. Girls want to be lead into a sexual experience with you, they don't want you overly focused on them.
Guys need to work on maximizing their own sexual experience (no this does not include two-pump chumping), and that is what the girl will truly enjoy.
Then again as Ruby was trying to describe, all interactions you have with a girl are supposed to end up being something you guys build together. At a certain point your interaction will reach a level of synergy that almost makes you two move in conjunction.
A.j.Ruby wrote:
Maybe reconsidering this a bit. Maybe sometimes it is for them. I got thinking about when I'm fucking a girl; a lot of the time I'll just do what I want to do to her and she'll love it. Sometimes though if I'm fucking her and she's loving it (and I'll be calibrating the things that she loves), I'll want to do more of what she loves because I want to make her come really hard. Am I doing this for me or for her? I honestly don't know.. I love watching her lose her mind because i find it a huge turn-on, at the same time I really want to give her that experience. I guess it's both. I think maybe for me that analogy translates to pickup as well.
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