Weird Pseudo Epiphany Happened Today...

I setup this dinner event with some old highschool friends this past night and it was a little weird...

I haven't seen quite a few of them in a LONG time so the situation goes like this: In highschool, I was your nerdy clown. Grades were stellar, social life not so much, but I was a big time jokester. Y'know, the clowny way you do to get attention. Everyone laughs, but no one takes you seriously.

These past few years, my life has turned on its head...going out, travel, work etc. People are in utter shock that I turned out like this. I expected shock and awe, but not in the way I had thought...

Story time:

So I setup this dinner get to-gether and invite alot of hotty pototties and some cool male friends who were stars of the football team and shit like that. They were really the only guys who accepted me back in HS...not that they'd hangout or invite me to shit lol..but they'd chill with me in school and gave me attention and validation which I craved back then. I stayed in touch with some of them because they are actually very positive hardworking dudes and I like that atmosphere.

Everyone arrives but the place is booked up (couldn't reserve beforehand), my friend suggests a place and I basically say "Yes lets do it" and start walking out the door. Everyone follows and we bounce. We get to the new place, and I'm running the shit. I make the reservations on the spot by charming the pants off of the hostess and I start talking in Spanish with the workers there. All my friends are captivated and just stare in awe at what I'm doing and we finally sit and order food. 

Everything is going well up until a friend says, "So Jihad, are you really doing all these cool things? Or is it some big joke?". It seriously caught me off guard because everyone turned their head waiting for a response, as if it was all on their minds. And I said "Uh..ya?". And they continued by bombarding me with statements like "You must have a lot of money. How are you doing this? Etc. Etc." I answered all the questions with a conviction drill about "Why" I did it instead of "how" and then answerd some of the dumb ones like...."Umm, it doesn't take a lot of money to do what I'm doing. $80 for a train ticket is childs play for a week long trip etc."

That quelled shit and the remainder of the night was fine and I told stories about my trips and stuff like that making em all laugh and stuff.

The point of this post is this part I'm getting to: Even though I owned that shit and everyone was captivated on my new persona, word choice, life experience etc...I never felt more unlike myself in my entire life. I felt like I was being put on this MASSIVE pedestal role of "souther bumpkin travels to the city and makes it big" type thing. Everyone else is rounding out college and was talking about their majors and jobs amongst eachother and it was as if I couldn't relate to them. They were worried about things that are such misnomers to me I felt a huge dissonance between us.

To top it off, I wasn't the clown anymore or the nerd. I was the cool guy and my old pals were mesmerized by it. The girls were attracted to me. It was all mine...but I wasn't enjoying it at all. 

I was sitting there like a fucking king on his throne but whenever I would go to relate or enjoy conversation with old friends, they would figuratively begin to bow their heads and say "I am not worthy". The entire time I was thinking..."Yo, I'm still me. My life isn't a fairytale. I work for shit. I'm still figuring stuff out too." But it was just dust in the wind..

I know I know..first world problems...but I've never felt more apart from people in my entire life. It was honestly very lonely.

Side Note:

One of the girls I invited was an old hotty acquaintance and I was texting her before the event with little success. She kept not responding and it was honestly very rude...like I wouldn't even say weird shit and she didn't respond. 

Well when we meet at the event and she goes to give me a hug, I just stare at her with a playful disapproval look and said "Oh ya? After you keep ghosting me through text. Uh uh." She apologizes with a typical girl excuse and I hug her anyway and ask her what she's been up too and the like.

WELL, at the end of the night when we're walking out, and I just owned that shit, I ask her, "So what gives, why do you never text back?". She goes, "OK. Honestly, I was so worried about you because you didn't text like before and I was...."

I totally understood what she was saying so I call it out in a funny way, "Oh what? Worried that I was gonna kill you? Drug you? Kidnap you? Which one? Cause I've been on a clean streak for about a week now lol". She laughs her ass off and says "ALL THE ABOVE. I'm sooo sorry. Pls text me I'm free this weekend."

Lol. It was a matter of congruence. She didn't know I was a new person and was worried with all the flirty and awesome texting. HA! Now that she saw my congruence IN PERSON...all is good in the hood.

Funny how that works ya?