When she acts like a smarmy bish: personal boundaries in relationships, negativity and managing ego

update:

Ill give you guys a quick break down of my interpretation of what happened and what I'm doing to address it.

She calls me at 11:30 saying she just wanted to check up on me make sure I'm okay. (excuse to re-engage) 

Reply "I'm fine, are you?"

she begins to tell me about a stomach cramp she's having that really bad, I tell her I'm pissed at her and she responds that she doesn't want to talk about that right now. (doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions, I genuinely care that she's in pain at the same time she has a history of hitting my soft spot after she knows she's crossed a boundary)

I tell her she can call me back when she does want to talk about it, She replies "you're so compassionate Niv" with a defeated voice and hangs up. (nice little guilt trip for me yay)

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I call her 20 mins later and ask about her stomach cramp a little bit, show that I care.

Then once were on abit better footing emotionally I ask her what she wants with "this". See the context of what's going on here is that she wants a monogamous relationship, her snapping at me like that is a symptom of a root cause. That being that she wants the narrative of us being together and when I don't feed into that narrative she sustains  narcissistic injury and rejects me first. 

This is where I re-align her. She says she doesn't know what she wants but I keep asking (she's scared to get burned and doesn't want to put herself out there) she finally says she wants to be with me but is scared that I'll hurt her.

I basically set her on a plan that there is a monogamous relationship in the future (definite possibility if we iron some kinks out) and give her a goal to work towards. 

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This is what I'll say in regards to boundaries. What's happening from her end is needy. I've been at the gym a total of 3 days and she's complaining that I never want to go with her. 

Now the above behaviour is whack, I love this girl but she is clearly trying to manipulate me into spending more time with her. Instead of being awesome and drawing me closer of my own accord she's doing these weird needy behavours that are actually turning me off. If things like this start happening with any sort of increasing frequency I will start to lose feelings for her. 

My action plan is to re-frame certain things in her head. Like her fear of getting hurt and how she addresses conflict. 

We have an amazing time when we're together, but right now I'm stuck on this whack behaviour. It stresses me and makes me want to look elsewhere.  My challenge is to remain present let this incident go as we've adressed it already and trust in myself that if/when a new issue does arise I'll be able to handle it accordingly.

Main takeway for relationship management here:

1st. Handle boundaries right in the moment. I should've asserted myself right when she snapped at me over text so that by the time she cooled off and called me I wouldn't have had to be the one who went out my way to make sure she's okay then explain to her like a child why what she did was wrong. This explaining shit to her establishes a rhythm where she's free to not take responsibility for her bheaviour as I show I'll always be there to clean the mess up.

2nd. I need to handle to the emotional leadership with a firmer hand. If she has the idea of a narrative running in her head that's not in line with mine then clearly I'm not communicating mine strongly enough, not only that when I do communiacate mine I need to inspire her to want to be a part of it. If she wants a monogamous relationship but an open relationship is what makes my balls tingle I need to take that passion and communicate it to her so that she get's excited for my idea and possibly hops on or decides that that's not what she wants in which case she's free to go find what will make her happy.

Niv wanna run us through this tonight?

So she calls you at 11:30 that same day? Pm? Not sure the timeline of events here 

yes.

​so the texts happened throughout the day. Then she ignored me for about 7hrs then called at 11:30PM that same day

So what did you say when she asked?

She's been begging you to go for a month then you go with someone else? Lol

Lol. Man that's tame she should have bit your ass instead. 

So when you say "What did I say when you asked me" what exactly are you communicating there. 

​I was trying to get clarification on the situation because if she's freaking out like that ​there had to be a decent reason, especially if she was being entirely lovey-dovey for several days before that

Ahh fuck. you're right, I'm being totally reactive to her. The fact that she even called me after shows how much she loves me. Derp.

Im communicating unsuredness in the situation and acting out of ego. Instead of acting out of presence and actually fixing the issue I instantly jumped to having to hold up my boundaries 

Yeah dude you're kinda supposed to be a bit reactive to her emotions. That's the point. You're a boy and girl being romantic with each other. I mean.. she's got a valid point. Had you actually worked out together yet? Or was it always with other people involved? You feel gay working out with a girl? I be stuntin' all OVER dat booty when I go with a girl to the gym. >:{  

But so the question becomes.. how can she be open to your emotional overtures if you're not even considering hers? You can't ask her to go unglued on your dick and get fuck into oblivion if you just ignore and/or hurt her afterwards. Lol. Unless there are details I'm missing but it seems this is a clear blindspot. 

Gotcha. I think what I'm missing here is action. If she's calling me and we're having really positive interactions that doesn't mean I'm covered. I need to be showing her that good attention you mentioned in the other thread. In fact it would probably be better to spend less time indulging her while I'm going about my day and more time that's actually quality. 

I.e. Gymming together, putting that shit into action so that she can see I take her requests seriously. 

Just to clarify I don't think what you're suggesting is reactive at all, showing her that I care and mirroring the emotional investment back...at least to an extent is entirely the correct thing to do. Being concerned with if she's disrespecting me then being icy/emotionless is reactive

not concerned with working out with a girl lmao, it was just legitamately not a priority for me which makes sense why she'd get upset

Sigh* no you're fully right dude. This is a blindspot....I knew it the entire time too.

instead of learning to read her signals and communication properly I put all the responsibility on her and expect her to navigate her own emotions. I'm so focused on being non-needy with this one that I forget to actually give her time or take into account her half of the equation.

Derp. I'm being a jackass 

Nailed it.