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When she acts like a smarmy bish: personal boundaries in relationships, negativity and managing ego

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Niv Mizzle's picture
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Had an interesting conversation with a girl I'm seeing. Technically an open relationship, we spend more time together than a FWB deal. I take her on dates here and there and just signed up at the same gym as she's been begging me to gym with her for a month.

 

Yesterday we spoke and she asked me to work out with her, I told her I had already planned to work out with a friend we glossed over the topic and moved onto other things.

 

Today:

Her: Babe can I come over at 10 tonight

Me: gymming beb come at 11

Her: we’re gymming together right

Me: gymming with sag tn beb

Me: come we’ll play air hockey after (gym has an air hockey table, she’s been threatening to whoop me lol)

Her: I literally asked you yesterday. Okay forget it, I won’t ask anymore

Her: I’m already going to the gym. And nah

Me: what did I say when you asked me

 

She ignored my last text and haven’t heard anything since, that was 7 hrs ago.

I’m not planning to re-engage, giving her some time to cool off and then letting her know what she did was not okay when she does re-engage. This would also be a case of me projecting negativity as I truly am pissed, her reaction was passive aggressive and totally unwarranted.

 

I’m sure this entire thing is coming from her feeling that she’s more invested than I am. So though we didn’t plan a concrete time I’m sure she’s taken me not going out of my way to work out with her as a narcissistic injury.

 

 

 I do want to give her what she needs however I also do not like this behaviour whatsoever. I’m sure as hell not interested in playing an egoic game just to prove a point so if she goes another day without re-engaging me then I definitley will contact her, currently figuring out how to do that without compromising my boundaries.

 

 

MW has previously mentioned to me that I have an ego about these matters and that it’s okay for my girl to act like a smarmy lil bish sometimes. At the same time I’m pretty good about admitting when I’m wrong and am sure that the above is an example of some unwarranted retarded shit.

 

What I’m trying to achieve. I obviously want to keep this girl around me. However if this behaviour turns into a pattern (2nd time something like this occurred) I will drop her, so I want to effectively shape her behaviour so that I don’t have to do that.

 

Potted has a great post about this, difference being the girl I’m dealing with is my main squeeze lmao

http://manwhore.org/forum/content/setting-boundaries-how-would-you-handl...

​How do you guys handle situations like this where the girl is higher on the totem pole than just a fling.

                                                                                         

I think the main thing I should’ve done differently is handled it better in the moment. Projected that it was not okay right on the spot instead of trying to explain to her that I already told her my plans

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Niv Mizzle's picture
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update:Ill give you guys a

update:

Ill give you guys a quick break down of my interpretation of what happened and what I'm doing to address it.

She calls me at 11:30 saying she just wanted to check up on me make sure I'm okay. (excuse to re-engage) 

Reply "I'm fine, are you?"

she begins to tell me about a stomach cramp she's having that really bad, I tell her I'm pissed at her and she responds that she doesn't want to talk about that right now. (doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions, I genuinely care that she's in pain at the same time she has a history of hitting my soft spot after she knows she's crossed a boundary)

I tell her she can call me back when she does want to talk about it, She replies "you're so compassionate Niv" with a defeated voice and hangs up. (nice little guilt trip for me yay)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I call her 20 mins later and ask about her stomach cramp a little bit, show that I care.

Then once were on abit better footing emotionally I ask her what she wants with "this". See the context of what's going on here is that she wants a monogamous relationship, her snapping at me like that is a symptom of a root cause. That being that she wants the narrative of us being together and when I don't feed into that narrative she sustains  narcissistic injury and rejects me first. 

This is where I re-align her. She says she doesn't know what she wants but I keep asking (she's scared to get burned and doesn't want to put herself out there) she finally says she wants to be with me but is scared that I'll hurt her.

I basically set her on a plan that there is a monogamous relationship in the future (definite possibility if we iron some kinks out) and give her a goal to work towards. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is what I'll say in regards to boundaries. What's happening from her end is needy. I've been at the gym a total of 3 days and she's complaining that I never want to go with her. 

Now the above behaviour is whack, I love this girl but she is clearly trying to manipulate me into spending more time with her. Instead of being awesome and drawing me closer of my own accord she's doing these weird needy behavours that are actually turning me off. If things like this start happening with any sort of increasing frequency I will start to lose feelings for her. 

My action plan is to re-frame certain things in her head. Like her fear of getting hurt and how she addresses conflict. 

We have an amazing time when we're together, but right now I'm stuck on this whack behaviour. It stresses me and makes me want to look elsewhere.  My challenge is to remain present let this incident go as we've adressed it already and trust in myself that if/when a new issue does arise I'll be able to handle it accordingly.

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Niv Mizzle's picture
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Main takeway for relationship

Main takeway for relationship management here:

1st. Handle boundaries right in the moment. I should've asserted myself right when she snapped at me over text so that by the time she cooled off and called me I wouldn't have had to be the one who went out my way to make sure she's okay then explain to her like a child why what she did was wrong. This explaining shit to her establishes a rhythm where she's free to not take responsibility for her bheaviour as I show I'll always be there to clean the mess up.

2nd. I need to handle to the emotional leadership with a firmer hand. If she has the idea of a narrative running in her head that's not in line with mine then clearly I'm not communicating mine strongly enough, not only that when I do communiacate mine I need to inspire her to want to be a part of it. If she wants a monogamous relationship but an open relationship is what makes my balls tingle I need to take that passion and communicate it to her so that she get's excited for my idea and possibly hops on or decides that that's not what she wants in which case she's free to go find what will make her happy.

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Niv wanna run us through this

Niv wanna run us through this tonight?

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So she calls you at 11:30

So she calls you at 11:30 that same day? Pm? Not sure the timeline of events here 

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Niv Mizzle's picture
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yes. 11:30 PM

yes.

​so the texts happened throughout the day. Then she ignored me for about 7hrs then called at 11:30PM that same day

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So what did you say when she

So what did you say when she asked?

She's been begging you to go for a month then you go with someone else? Lol

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Niv Mizzle's picture
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​She'd been asking me for a

​She'd been asking me for a month to register but this was only my 3rd day actually having a membership.
I quite clearly told her I was going to go with my boy that day but she thought I said I was going to work out with her.

​Miscommunication, cool no worries. My issue is with her freaking out like that over something so simple when it could've been resolved in 10 seconds.

​But then again perhaps that's me misreading how important that was to her and ignoring it, clearly showing a lack of prioritizing her
.

Not like I was ignoring her entirely though.

My first day there we freaked my boy out. He didn't know that I'm talking to her again he knew that she went to that gym. I hashed out a plan to prank him. So me and my girl ignored each other the entire time, flashing each other dirty looks back and forth until I'm almost done working out and as my boy is spotting me she walks over kisses me on the cheek and keeps walking while we both pretend like nothing happened.

 

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Lol. Man that's tame she

Lol. Man that's tame she should have bit your ass instead. 

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So when you say "What did I

So when you say "What did I say when you asked me" what exactly are you communicating there. 

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​I was trying to get

​I was trying to get clarification on the situation because if she's freaking out like that ​there had to be a decent reason, especially if she was being entirely lovey-dovey for several days before that

Ahh fuck. you're right, I'm being totally reactive to her. The fact that she even called me after shows how much she loves me. Derp.

Im communicating unsuredness in the situation and acting out of ego. Instead of acting out of presence and actually fixing the issue I instantly jumped to having to hold up my boundaries 

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Yeah dude you're

Yeah dude you're kinda supposed to be a bit reactive to her emotions. That's the point. You're a boy and girl being romantic with each other. I mean.. she's got a valid point. Had you actually worked out together yet? Or was it always with other people involved? You feel gay working out with a girl? I be stuntin' all OVER dat booty when I go with a girl to the gym. >:{  

But so the question becomes.. how can she be open to your emotional overtures if you're not even considering hers? You can't ask her to go unglued on your dick and get fuck into oblivion if you just ignore and/or hurt her afterwards. Lol. Unless there are details I'm missing but it seems this is a clear blindspot. 

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Gotcha. I think what I'm

Gotcha. I think what I'm missing here is action. If she's calling me and we're having really positive interactions that doesn't mean I'm covered. I need to be showing her that good attention you mentioned in the other thread. In fact it would probably be better to spend less time indulging her while I'm going about my day and more time that's actually quality. 

I.e. Gymming together, putting that shit into action so that she can see I take her requests seriously. 

Just to clarify I don't think what you're suggesting is reactive at all, showing her that I care and mirroring the emotional investment back...at least to an extent is entirely the correct thing to do. Being concerned with if she's disrespecting me then being icy/emotionless is reactive

not concerned with working out with a girl lmao, it was just legitamately not a priority for me which makes sense why she'd get upset

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Sigh* no you're fully right

Sigh* no you're fully right dude. This is a blindspot....I knew it the entire time too.

instead of learning to read her signals and communication properly I put all the responsibility on her and expect her to navigate her own emotions. I'm so focused on being non-needy with this one that I forget to actually give her time or take into account her half of the equation.

Derp. I'm being a jackass 

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Nailed it. Niv Mizzle

Nailed it.

Niv Mizzle wrote:

instead of learning to read her signals and communication properly I put all the responsibility on her and expect her to navigate her own emotions. I'm so focused on being non-needy with this one that I forget to actually give her time or take into account her half of the equation.

__________________

I go in and I'm crisp, clean and my vocals are fucking coming out like music. - Anonymous MW student

- Autismus Terminus Finis (Root Cause/Cure of Autism Epidemic)

- Called Off My Wedding & Other Turn Tail Signs Of The American Male

Tap Or Click For Personal Coaching Information